tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63846350499757226372024-03-14T02:57:25.341-07:00Cruising SubfertilityA 30 year olds unwelcome (SIF in)fertility journey...Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-9732442015648015192012-05-22T16:17:00.000-07:002012-05-22T16:17:01.485-07:00Truthful MattersI have a secret. A secret that if you look to the right of this blog will tell you that I am expecting.<br />
<br />
I conceived on a natural cycle, in a cycle frought with mistrust, misgivings, confusion and much crying. A cycle I and my RE expected to fail, and honestly we still cannot believe it worked.<br />
<br />
I am more grateful than I will ever be able to say that I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and cannot wait to give my son a little sibling soon G-d willing.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-85313945485653985162012-03-06T19:32:00.000-08:002012-03-06T19:32:17.994-08:00It is 10:21pm...Do you know where your reproductive system is at?<br />
I certainly do. It's in the unfortunate land called 'Lining is Too Thick' merged with 'DH has fucked off to get a car for ANOTHER interview tomorrow morning that likely will also come to nothing while DS is awake and has just thrown up at least 5 cups of puke all over my bed.'<br />
This alternate dimension is also known as 'FMFL Country'.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Side Note: Signing into your favorite infertility blog to find out the author is pregnant is not good on any blogosphere level. I mean, seriously, she had the nerve to do a treatment that actually worked? WTF. How inconsiderate to the rest of us bloggers who needed that extra push to be nasty, cynical bitches and have a place to laugh over someone else's miseries.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-54333881257960157722012-03-04T07:32:00.000-08:002012-03-04T07:32:59.065-08:00Are You There god? It's Sad Me....Dear god,<br />
<br />
I am sure you are very busy taking all kinds of requests from wannabe parents (for example, Snooki), but see, here's the thing. I think you have forgotten me. Hi! I am here! I am waiting and I am suffering. Actually, scratch that. I am suffering A LOT.<br />
Let me take you back on a little journey to 2008. 2008 when my son was born. You may recall that there were ten women in my tiny community all pregnant at the same time. It was so nice all being pregnant together. No-one felt left out, we could all talk baby and it was fun. And I am endlessly grateful for that, as You know.<br />
Fast forward to 2012, however, and things are not quite as rosy. Of those ten women, who all had babies after me, it may have escaped your notice but they are all pregnant- AGAIN! Yes all of them. With one exception- ME. This mean that they have had two babies since I had my first. Granted it is not a competition, but, you know, when You give something to everyone around a person, it kinda sorta turns into one. The kind where people are whispering about you behind your back ('gee... i wonder when they are planning to have another one?', 'why doesn't she want another kid?', or in some cases 'hahaha, she is finally being punished'), and you feel emotional pain on a whole new level. The sad pain where every birthday reminds you of your aging reproductive system and with it the chance to have another child slowly slopping away. The pain where you look around and realize your child is realizing he doesn't have a baby in his family and everyone else does. And that, honestly, is the worst pain of all.<br />
Yesterday we had some friends over who had a baby girl about a month ago. My DS said "I want that baby mummy, I love her'. I said 'I think her mummy wants her, sorry sweetie.' Friend, watching this exchange, 'You know, if you pray really hard maybe god will send you a baby too'.<br />
So, have I not prayed hard enough? Has my DH and our families not prayed hard enough? Is everyone else really so much more worthy than we are? What's up with this? Are you ever going to hear my prayers or do you hear them and just keep saying no?<br />
Please, let me know how to proceed so that my dreams can be fulfilled and realized.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MeBlubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-16884554290526540082012-02-20T18:08:00.000-08:002012-02-20T18:08:07.803-08:00InvisibleDue to on-going community issues, life issues and IF issues I have become isolated in my little box that allows me time to go to work, go grocery shopping, hit the gym (occasionally, very occasionally), surf the internet relentlessly and basically do anything that negates my need to leave the house.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I wonder if I am invisible, and perhaps I am to some extent in my community. I post on FB and it is ignored. I post pics of DS and they are ignored too. Is my DS really so less worthy of attention than someone else's cute kid? Why am I so sensitive to this? Why do these people garner so much of my attention, over something so pointless? Unfortunately I have no answers, but I do wonder if FB has really improved or removed from my life. I love the ability of sharing on a mass level, but my sensitivity and vulnerability is flung wide open, with my high school feelings returning... This is NOT a good feeling.<br />
<br />
Surprisingly, it is not an all-together lonely existence. I have friends I keep up with from across the street and across the globe who give me support and let me know I am not alone. To all of you guys, I thank you.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-48282524609398339862012-02-15T18:18:00.000-08:002012-02-15T18:18:29.236-08:00We have lift-off: Getting Back in the Saddle.After IUI #3 failed, I decided a break was in order.<br />
<br />
A one month break turned into a two month break and a two month break turned into three months. I spent those days sleeping in past 6am and having arms that could be on show without bruises if I so chose. Being that it was the middle of winter, of course, that choice wasn't really mine to make, but those are just semantics.<br />
I ate what I wanted, I zumba'ed as often as I wanted and best of all? I avoided needles and the accompanying mood swings and fits of anger that would put a psych ward to shame.<br />
<br />
I toyed with the idea of Bariatric surgery and went as far as to schedule two doctor appointments to see if this would be a good route for me since losing weight would remove PCOS and removing PCOS would.. well, you get the picture. Ultimately, DH and I decided that it would be silly to waste over a year and a half of reproductive health on what would amount to no more than another experiment (and for those who read my prior postings, we all know how much I like being an experiment).<br />
<br />
I realise I have spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at DH, angry at myself, angry at other people who are pregnant and most of all anger at G-d for putting me in this position to begin with; after thinking a lot today I realize I have no right to be angry. I have prayed for a baby for so long, and keep thinking my prayers are being ignored. Guess what? They aren't! It is true I have no baby and no positive pregnancy test, but I have been given a job with amazing benefits that will allow me to try and try and try again when IUI's cycle and even cover one (maybe 2) IVF cycles. G-d is giving me the tools to do it myself! And not only do I have the tools, but I have good, good friends who understand what I am going through, I have a wonderful husband (most of the time) and best of all, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with my gorgeous son.<br />
<br />
So, going forward, my prayer is a little different. I pray for my continued clarity, faith and serenity as I begin embarking again on a zumba-less world of lonely early mornings, drugs, needles, weight gain and hatred for preggos ;)Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-20390181800374464502011-11-03T05:51:00.000-07:002011-11-03T05:51:28.363-07:00Is my time up?<a href="http://joysofinfertility.com/">This blog</a> gives me food for thought on a regular basis, however, one extra post she wrote struck a special chord with me. She refers to 'sympathyville'. This is something I have been debating too- when is my time up in sympathyville? Do I ever go back there again cause I do already have a kid, so who cares about those 2 previously failed IUI cycles, with possibly a third one coming up (yup.. in the 2WW as of today), right?? RIGHT??<br />
Do I still get to cry and be sad since I do already have a kid? Does anyone really care? I am fairly confident most of my friends don't think I'm suffering since on a weekly basis (or daily depending on how unfortunate I am that week) I get a picture of a positive PG test. Not sure why I am always the first one to know or be told, but I am. It is as if the universe is conspiring against me to make sure I feel as shitty as possible on a constant basis.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-46310661739406738292011-10-29T07:27:00.000-07:002011-10-29T07:41:45.886-07:00Again, again and AGAIN.Thats right, folks. <div>As opposed to last time, where I got three beautie follies on clomid cycle 1, I am drowning in a despairing cycle of low E2 numbers. And not just this cycle, but the previous two as well.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here is how the last two looked.</div><div>New highly recommended (CHEAP) RE #1 decided to use clomid/IUI again. My E2 numbers just wouldn't rise. I ended up triggering on a pathetic E2 level with a (very likely bad quality) follie measuring at 32mm. Needless to say, that cycle failed. Left RE.</div><div><br /></div><div>2nd highly recommended (CHEAP) RE #2. Forced another HSG on me, with used equipment that could have reliably been seen on American Pickers and being sold on as an antique. It hurt like a mofo. He claimed I have polyps, but that we would press ahead with cycle. Started Gonal-F at 75, barely responded after three days so he bumped me up to 150. That forced my ovaries into overdrive and again I had only one (probably bad quality) follie ready to go on day 10. Triggered and of course nothing. Left RE.</div><div><br /></div><div>Got new RE ( not cheap at all but insurance paying- yay!) and went back to place got PG with DS. Best in NJ, tri state area and arguably up there as one of the best in entire country. Started Gonal-F again, and still low E2 numbers. Instead of panicking, however, they kept me on same dosage of 150 for a week, with bumping me up 25.5 just last night. They say I am exactly where I should be and I do have a bunch of small follies waiting to develop.</div><div><br /></div><div>The morning monitoring sessions are still killer. The shots hurt like hell. I am a weight gaining mess. I cry, snap and barely laugh. I am unpleasant. I am fucking INFERTILE.... AGAIN, STILL, WHATEVER!!! But, with a difference. No-one cares this time around. No-one wants to hear me complain. No-one thinks I have feelings about not getting PG since I already have a child. And I am so grateful for this sweet little boy, and I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams with this perfect child. But, you know what? It is not enough. I want another. I want a sibling for my son. And you know what else?? I do not think that is so wrong.</div><div>I am sick of seeing postings on FB from previous IF'ers complaining about their pregnancies, I am sick of hearing about it from everyone and most of all I am sick of seeing others move on and have it easy when so much is going wrong for me.</div>Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-55255858459912285982011-10-29T07:14:00.000-07:002011-10-29T07:23:46.778-07:00Here we go....So, quick round up of my life since I saw you last.<div><i>The Good Stuff:</i><br /><div>Gave birth to gorgeous healthy boy with thanks and love to the One above always in December of 2008.</div><div><div>I started a new job, with fertility coverage.</div><div>I am in school online for a random degree.</div></div><div><i>The Bad Stuff:</i></div><div>Have not used b/c since delivering him and decided to wait until he was 2 before actively trying again... not even a sniff of a pregnancy during these three years.</div><div>Bought a house.</div><div>DH started a new business, had massive falling out with business partner b/c discovered partner was stealing from him. Sadly, they were out best friends in this community and now we are dying to move out. DH still has no job.</div><div>I am in school online for a random degree.</div><div>Everyone in this town who had a child after DS was born is pregnant again as are many other of my friends.</div><div>I am hating my life in this community.... but cannot move out yet.</div><div>We are totally broke.</div><div>x2 we are totally broke.</div><div><br /></div></div>Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-38063766364841716712008-05-21T06:31:00.000-07:002008-05-21T06:49:20.028-07:00Pro-Life or Pro-Rights?A story which is HUGE in my personal world right now comes to me courtesy of the UK; so bear with me if you haven't heard this one. The UK parliament yesterday had a vote to decide whether the abortion limit should be lowered rom 24 weeks to 20 weeks. Let me repeat: 24 weeks to 20 weeks. Wtf??? I am obviously coming from a more pro-life viewpoint (aside from being a modern- orthodox Jew, I am not sure anyone can through fertility issues and not be more to the pro-life fight), however, watching women standing outside for THEIR right to be allowed to abort their baby until 24 weeks was disgusting.<br />This isn't even about baby's right.. this is about 1) why someone who has made a conscious decision to have sex sans protection would not consider they MAY get pregnant, and 2) why it would take someone 24 weeks to decide they don't want a baby in their life.<br />I understand (semi) that people can't handle a baby right now, for their own reasons, and I understand some people don't care and will abort- but I feel so strongly that the limit should be 12 weeks. 3 months is definitely long enough for someone to decide, never mind the fact research shows babies born at 24 weeks can survive.<br />The UK has over 197,000 abortions a year. What country sets out to achieve this statistic? It may also interest you to know that the UK also has the highest number of (single) mothers under 16 in Europe. How embarrassing to a country which purportedly prides itself on propriety.<br /><br />Furthermore, there is a huge girl gang/ yob culture (yobs are fortunately somewhat unknown in this country, and are mostly drunk soccer hooligan-type who are teenage boys between 10-25 for the most part who vandalize, attack innocent people for 'fun', behave anti- socially.. anyway you get the general impression) which i fully believe is due to all these young single mother/ broken family types.<br /><br />Why can't people who obviously can't care for their kids put them up for adoption? Or if they must, indeed do an abortion but do it before 12 weeks? What kind of a society are we living in these days???Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-51178027862325904412008-05-02T14:57:00.000-07:002008-05-03T16:26:29.351-07:00OB ExperienceI went this morning for my OB appointment. Aside from needing to wait 45 mins due to a 'medical emergency' (these always seem to happen to me.. I must give off that vibe... last time at my RE I waited 45 mins naked from the waist down for my ultrasound), and the doctor having some very interesting pics on his wall- more about that later- everything seemed to be looking good.<br />DH came in with me to the examination room, and I think it was awkward for him because I don't think any guy wants to see his wife be touched up- the one saving grace however was that he had a humour moment when apparently after the Dr removed the speculum (I had a pap smear, yay me) something 'yellow and gooey fell out of the floor'... no prizes to anyone who guessed, but it was indeed the prometrium coating. Good stuff.<br /><br />As I mentioned before, the Dr was more than a little quirky.. very nice, but totally quirky. He had all the regular dr certificates on his wall, but also a 'deep sea diver' certification, and many cartoon and drawn pictures of a dr either delivering a baby, explaining about sex or the view for the woman when her feet are in stirrups etc etc. Bizarre.<br /><br />However, no appointment of mine is complete without a heart-stopping moment. Mine came when he did the ultrasound- he swung it round to show me how big the baby got, the heartbeat etc, but whe he printed off the picture it said 6w6d and showed me as being smaller than on Monday. I totally freaked out as we made our way back to the doctors office....<br /><br />Once seated, he kept reassuring us everytting was ok, and finally I blurted out 'umm if everything is so good why am I measuring less than I was on Monday..' He looked at me kindly and explained his machine isn't as hi-tech as at my RE's office. Thanks for explaining that before, man.<br /><br />Anyway, next appointment in three weeks, but I did leave the office with a question which I now want to pose to you all.<br />I explained that before I went on BCP (i was on loestrin) I never ever had problems- my period was totally regular, I had tons of goo every month (sorry for TMI) to show I was ovulating etc.. I had absolutely no PCOS signs. He said this was very weird, but I also know a few other people who this happened to.. What about the rest of the PCOS'ers? Did you have problems before BCP?Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-35099431555205203872008-04-28T08:34:00.001-07:002012-02-14T11:24:21.702-08:00Final ReleaseNo, not sex unfortunately- that is still banned..<br />
<br />
I am referring to my release-age from my RE center. As of this Friday, I am a regular OB- GYN patient.<br />
<br />
I had my final RE ultrasound this morning. We saw the baby (now a nice 9.91 mm!); could not hear the heartbeat this time- only saw it (beating away at 140 BMP approx), which was disappointing but THRILLED it is there; and I am measuring one day ahead. Going by my last scan I am 7w0d, today I am measuring at 7w1d. Also, they gave me my official due date- December 15th 2008!<br />
<br />
As far as symptoms go my nausea is kicking in with lots of gagging; peeing all the time; and tastebuds are a little off. It is all worth it though :)Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-54259127564233243062008-04-22T04:35:00.000-07:002008-04-22T04:40:15.826-07:00Unexisting ComplexitiesThese past few days have been nothing short of horrendous, for those of you who haven't figured that out already... there is little that leaves you feeling as helpless and weak as the sureity and knowledge in your own mind that everything is not ok, and failures are sure to happen.<br /><br />I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.<br />However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!<br /><br />So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-53420351336000595162008-04-18T15:00:00.000-07:002008-04-18T15:05:33.032-07:00But It Might Not Be!Just got a call re: my beta.. It is now 4099. I cannot believe my beta can be climbing at such a rate and going nowhere... I said that to my nurse and she kindly responded 'well at this stage the ultrasound tell us more than beta'- thanks a LOT, lady! I know!<br />She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)<br />I will keep you all posted...Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-87372476647720364172008-04-18T06:32:00.000-07:002008-04-18T06:42:09.460-07:00They Think It's All Over....So, we went for our ultrasound to determine if a yolk sac would be seen in conjunction with our gestational sac. We have a gestational sac of 8.53 and no yolk sac to be seen. The Dr said this is a concern, and I really feel like the blood work doesn't matter anymore- everyone knows if there is no yolk sac, there is no way for the baby to survive.<br />We have to go back on Tuesday, but at this point (pardon the English expression) I feel like we are flogging a dead horse, and I have no idea how to get back on it.<br />I know there is a chance we may see a yolk sac on Tuesday, but at this point I'd say we are well and truly fucked- to make matters worse, we are due to be going to the in-laws for a family weekend and I don't think we can get out of it. Roll on SIL with her 3rd baby, and other SIL who's pregnant with her 6th. This is gonna be great.<br /><br />I feel like right now I am just walking around with a dead baby and/or a mass of dead cells. This really sucks. As I mentioned before I always thought I'd be ok if I had a miscarriage- at least it means I can get pregnant, right?? Well, now I wonder if, in hindsight, I would really have had my hopes raised so high, to be dashed so low. I wonder if that first high is truly worth the low.<br /><br />And, where to go from here. I don't want to give up, and yet how do I go through this all over again? Just thinking about needing to go in again for the aptly named 'morning monitoring' to get permission to take clomid makes my blood run cold.. just thinking about paying all those IF bills again makes me want to shoot myself. And yet, what choice do we have? How do I keep pushing myself through, saying it will all be ok, when I don't know that it ever will?Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-13679087033958287702008-04-16T11:11:00.000-07:002008-04-16T11:12:36.370-07:00Afternoon Update!Beta was 2177!!!<br /><br />She said if there is no yolk sac on Friday we have a concern, but DH and I are feeling very optimistic.....Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-61150820009358794632008-04-16T04:56:00.000-07:002008-04-16T04:58:49.717-07:00Ultrasound UpdateI am meant to be 5w3d today.. no real symptoms yet, but had the ultrasound this morning. They saw a 'probable gestational sac' measuring 6.53 mm- no yolk sac, but that's apparently normal in a sac measuring under 10 mm.<br /><br />Am going to be spending the day doing what I do best:<br />1) Worrying/ Panicking<br />2) Waiting for a call back from the nurse with my beta numbersBlubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-39079720231080097762008-04-09T10:16:00.000-07:002008-04-09T10:18:13.907-07:00Update!I am shaking all over..... beta today was 117!!! More than doubled! They don't even want to see me again til the ultrasound next Wednesday!!!!<br /><br />Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-68387221809042140612008-04-07T12:12:00.000-07:002008-04-07T13:28:55.215-07:00A Perfect Cycle3 follicles- check<br />40 million sperm- check<br />level 6 progesterone followed by a HUGE helping of prometrium- check<br />HPT 14 days after trigger- check<br />Beta- check<br /><br />BFP on beta and hpt!!!!!!!<br /><br />Side note: Beta is a little low at 45, but form what I've read, with IUI it is hard to determine exactly when you ovulate, so 45 on day 13 is pretty good, and for day 14 also not too bad! Praying for Wednesday beta to be good....Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-76515687883482662132008-04-02T09:40:00.000-07:002008-04-02T09:41:06.043-07:00SubNote:Has anyone else noticed we all (except Denise!) have names beginning with 'M'??Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-73104406999499185942008-04-02T09:07:00.000-07:002008-04-02T09:31:10.067-07:00FeelingsIt has occurred to me that many of the people in my life know absolutely nothing about fertility or lack there of. Mostly the people who opened their legs and got pregnant. They especially do not know anything about the feelings of an infertile, and in some cases would do well to learn.<br /><br />A Summation:<br /><br />My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?<br />Me: On Monday<br />Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors. <br />Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.<br />Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?<br />Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.<br /><br />J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?<br />Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.<br />J: Well it was 8 days ago!<br />Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation<br />J: Well then you should be able to tell by now<br /><br />My M.I.L<br />DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (<span style="font-style: italic;">that's me</span>!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.<br />M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (<span style="font-style: italic;">I only wish I was making this up</span>)<br />DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.<br />M.IL.: <span style="font-weight: bold;">Why</span> is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.<br />DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.<br /><br />My F.I.L (<span style="font-style: italic;">side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>F.I.L: (<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">with 17 y.o SIL in the car</span>)</span>: Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?<br />Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.<br />F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.<br />Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.<br />F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?<br />Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.<br />F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.<br />Me: Whatever<br /><br />Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (<span style="font-weight: bold;">I have to be</span>) ok if this all doesn't go my way.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /></span>Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-30885240436225584022008-04-01T06:29:00.000-07:002008-04-02T09:36:40.253-07:00Facts About Me<p><a href="http://playingthewaitinggame.blogspot.com/">Waiting</a> tagged me, so see my quirky facts below. <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-family:georgia;" ></span></p><p><em>Rules:</em></p><p>Link to the person who tagged you.</p><p>Post the rules.</p><p>Share six non-important habits/quirks about yourself.</p><p>Tag three other people.</p><br />1) I am from London, England and all my family (except DH) are there.<br /><br />2) I am addicted to potato chips. I have been known to spend over $100 shipping in stuff from England because I don't think the chips here compare (sorry!)<br /><br />3) I am the oldest and only married one of my siblings. My brother is 25 and 11 months younger than me, my sister is 24 and my youngest brother is 20.<br /><br />4) DH does not know I keep a blog, nor do any of my friends (except E).<br /><br />5) I trained as an occupational therapist, and I HATE it. I never worked as one, and now I work for a really low paying job in non-profit in Manhattan.<br /><br />6) I am a recipe and cookbook-aholic. I love finding new recipes for old favourites. This drives DH crazy because if I make something he loves with one recipe, the next time I will use a new recipe for the same food, and it won't come out the same/ as good/ whatever....<br /><br />Sorry I cannot tag anyone else as all the bloggers I read have done this like 10 times over by now!Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-65636768869754092382008-03-31T12:31:00.001-07:002008-03-31T12:48:51.958-07:00A Working BreakdownI got the call today at 3:00 p.m. announcing my cousin, who was married 8 freaking months after me, had the baby and she had a girl. Of course she did. The one thing I was hoping for (my saving grace) was that she would have a boy and at least this way I could be the first one to name after our mutual grandma. Seriously, this sucks. I wanted so bad to be pregnant before her (and her brother who got married 3 weeks after she did) and they are both expecting with one of them delivered before I am even pregnant. I don't even pretend to be happy anymore for people who give birth- sure, I send a gift, say congratulations and paste a smile on my face.. but the only time I really feel joy for people who give birth are those who struggled to get there. I guess I'm a bitch, but I can't change the way I feel.<br /><br />Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.<br /><br />At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.<br />The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-91265480922029881232008-03-27T12:55:00.000-07:002008-03-27T13:03:18.496-07:00Another and another and another...And so, here I am 3 days after my 2nd IUI, 3 days post ovulation, 8 hours after my progesterone test (although why they opted to do it on CD 19 I have no idea). The one test I was not worried about and they came back to me with the high number of 6. Fabulous.<br />As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.<br />So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)<br /><br />I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-89546010025998009132008-03-24T12:26:00.000-07:002008-03-24T12:48:55.502-07:00A Questioners QuestionSome time ago, DH banned me from using two little words, they are (in order):<br />1) What<br />2) If<br />But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is '<span style="font-weight: bold;">what if</span> this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by '<span style="font-weight: bold;">what if</span> I never get pregnant?'<br /><br />The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.<br /><br />I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?<br />And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6384635049975722637.post-22782293617083389482008-03-23T08:39:00.000-07:002008-03-23T08:47:06.468-07:00Target: IUIWell the day finally arrived... It was actually rather unexpected, which I am happy about because I cannot imagine having to obsess over waiting for the actual IUI day as well as obsessing over everything else!<br />In my doctors office, they follow a slightly different protocol- they do two IUI's, but trigger the morning of the first one, and do another one 24 hours later. They also advise our own BD'ing tomorrow night (needless to say, DH is FAR more excited for that!)<br />It was all painless and over fast- no ultrasounds, no blood work; just me, a nurse, the specimen (it was 'very nice' according to the doc), the doctor and a speculum.<br />As for my part, I had three follies; one at 20mm, one at 17mm and one at 15mm- these are measurements as of yesterday so i would expect them to all be slightly larger today.Blubbalicioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12035984048845752331noreply@blogger.com2