Truthful Matters

I have a secret. A secret that if you look to the right of this blog will tell you that I am expecting.

I conceived on a natural cycle, in a cycle frought with mistrust, misgivings, confusion and much crying. A cycle I and my RE expected to fail, and honestly we still cannot believe it worked.

I am more grateful than I will ever be able to say that I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and cannot wait to give my son a little sibling soon G-d willing.

It is 10:21pm...

Do you know where your reproductive system is at?
I certainly do. It's in the unfortunate land called 'Lining is Too Thick' merged with 'DH has fucked off to get a car for ANOTHER interview tomorrow morning that likely will also come to nothing while DS is awake and has just thrown up at least 5 cups of puke all over my bed.'
This alternate dimension is also known as 'FMFL Country'.



Side Note: Signing into your favorite infertility blog to find out the author is pregnant is not good on any blogosphere level. I mean, seriously, she had the nerve to do a treatment that actually worked? WTF. How inconsiderate to the rest of us bloggers who needed that extra push to be nasty, cynical bitches and have a place to laugh over someone else's miseries.

Are You There god? It's Sad Me....

Dear god,

I am sure you are very busy taking all kinds of requests from wannabe parents (for example, Snooki),  but see, here's the thing. I think you have forgotten me. Hi! I am here! I am waiting and I am suffering. Actually, scratch that. I am suffering A LOT.
Let me take you back on a little journey to 2008. 2008 when my son was born. You may recall that there were ten women in my tiny community all pregnant at the same time. It was so nice all being pregnant together. No-one felt left out, we could all talk baby and it was fun. And I am endlessly grateful for that, as You know.
Fast forward to 2012, however, and things are not quite as rosy. Of those ten women, who all had babies after me,  it may have escaped your notice but they are all pregnant- AGAIN! Yes all of them. With one exception- ME. This mean that they have had two babies since I had my first. Granted it is not a competition, but, you know, when You give something to everyone around a person, it kinda sorta turns into one. The kind where people are whispering about you behind your back ('gee... i wonder when they are planning to have another one?', 'why doesn't she want another kid?', or in some cases 'hahaha, she is finally being punished'), and you feel emotional pain on a whole new level. The sad pain where every birthday reminds you of your aging reproductive system and with it the chance to have another child slowly slopping away. The pain where you look around and realize your child is realizing he doesn't have a baby in his family and everyone else does. And that, honestly, is the worst pain of all.
Yesterday we had some friends over who had a baby girl about a month ago. My DS said "I want that baby mummy, I love her'. I said 'I think her mummy wants her, sorry sweetie.' Friend, watching this exchange, 'You know, if you pray really hard maybe god will send you a baby too'.
So, have I not prayed hard enough? Has my DH and our families not prayed hard enough? Is everyone else really so much more worthy than we are? What's up with this? Are you ever going to hear my prayers or do you hear them and just keep saying no?
Please, let me know how to proceed so that my dreams can be fulfilled and realized.

Love,
Me

Invisible

Due to on-going community issues, life issues and IF issues I have become isolated in my little box that allows me time to go to work, go grocery shopping, hit the gym (occasionally, very occasionally), surf the internet relentlessly and basically do anything that negates my need to leave the house.

Sometimes I wonder if I am invisible, and perhaps I am to some extent in my community. I post on FB and it is ignored. I post pics of DS and they are ignored too. Is my DS really so less worthy of attention than someone else's cute kid? Why am I so sensitive to this? Why do these people garner so much of my attention, over something so pointless? Unfortunately I have no answers, but I do wonder if FB has really improved or removed from my life. I love the ability of sharing on a mass level, but my sensitivity and vulnerability is flung wide open, with my high school feelings returning... This is NOT a good feeling.

Surprisingly, it is not an all-together lonely existence. I have friends I keep up with from across the street and across the globe who give me support and let me know I am not alone. To all of you guys, I thank you.

We have lift-off: Getting Back in the Saddle.

After IUI #3 failed, I decided a break was in order.

A one month break turned into a two month break and a two month break turned into three months. I spent those days sleeping in past 6am and having arms that could be on show without bruises if I so chose. Being that it was the middle of winter, of course, that choice wasn't really mine to make, but those are just semantics.
I ate what I wanted, I zumba'ed as often as I wanted and best of all? I avoided needles and the accompanying mood swings and fits of anger that would put a psych ward to shame.

I toyed with the idea of Bariatric surgery and went as far as to schedule two doctor appointments to see if this would be a good route for me since losing weight would remove PCOS and removing PCOS would.. well, you get the picture. Ultimately, DH and I decided that it would be silly to waste over a year and a half of reproductive health on what would amount to no more than another experiment (and for those who read my prior postings, we all know how much I like being an experiment).

I realise I have spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at DH, angry at myself, angry at other people who are pregnant and most of all anger at G-d for putting me in this position to begin with; after thinking a lot today I realize I have no right to be angry. I have prayed for a baby for so long, and keep thinking my prayers are being ignored. Guess what? They aren't! It is true I have no baby and no positive pregnancy test, but I have been given a job with amazing benefits that will allow me to try and try and try again when IUI's cycle and even cover one (maybe 2) IVF cycles. G-d is giving me the tools to do it myself! And not only do I have the tools, but I have good, good friends who understand what I am going through, I have a wonderful husband (most of the time) and best of all, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with my gorgeous son.

So, going forward, my prayer is a little different. I pray for my continued clarity, faith and serenity as I begin embarking again on a zumba-less world of lonely early mornings, drugs, needles, weight gain and hatred for preggos ;)

Is my time up?

This blog gives me food for thought on a regular basis, however, one extra post she wrote struck a special chord with me. She refers to 'sympathyville'. This is something I have been debating too- when is my time up in sympathyville? Do I ever go back there again cause I do already have a kid, so who cares about those 2 previously failed IUI cycles, with possibly a third one coming up (yup.. in the 2WW as of today), right?? RIGHT??
Do I still get to cry and be sad since I do already have a kid? Does anyone really care? I am fairly confident most of my friends don't think I'm suffering since on a weekly basis (or daily depending on how unfortunate I am that week) I get a picture of a positive PG test. Not sure why I am always the first one to know or be told, but I am. It is as if the universe is conspiring against me to make sure I feel as shitty as possible on a constant basis.

Again, again and AGAIN.

Thats right, folks.

As opposed to last time, where I got three beautie follies on clomid cycle 1, I am drowning in a despairing cycle of low E2 numbers. And not just this cycle, but the previous two as well.

Here is how the last two looked.

New highly recommended (CHEAP) RE #1 decided to use clomid/IUI again. My E2 numbers just wouldn't rise. I ended up triggering on a pathetic E2 level with a (very likely bad quality) follie measuring at 32mm. Needless to say, that cycle failed. Left RE.

2nd highly recommended (CHEAP) RE #2. Forced another HSG on me, with used equipment that could have reliably been seen on American Pickers and being sold on as an antique. It hurt like a mofo. He claimed I have polyps, but that we would press ahead with cycle. Started Gonal-F at 75, barely responded after three days so he bumped me up to 150. That forced my ovaries into overdrive and again I had only one (probably bad quality) follie ready to go on day 10. Triggered and of course nothing. Left RE.

Got new RE ( not cheap at all but insurance paying- yay!) and went back to place got PG with DS. Best in NJ, tri state area and arguably up there as one of the best in entire country. Started Gonal-F again, and still low E2 numbers. Instead of panicking, however, they kept me on same dosage of 150 for a week, with bumping me up 25.5 just last night. They say I am exactly where I should be and I do have a bunch of small follies waiting to develop.

The morning monitoring sessions are still killer. The shots hurt like hell. I am a weight gaining mess. I cry, snap and barely laugh. I am unpleasant. I am fucking INFERTILE.... AGAIN, STILL, WHATEVER!!! But, with a difference. No-one cares this time around. No-one wants to hear me complain. No-one thinks I have feelings about not getting PG since I already have a child. And I am so grateful for this sweet little boy, and I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams with this perfect child. But, you know what? It is not enough. I want another. I want a sibling for my son. And you know what else?? I do not think that is so wrong.

I am sick of seeing postings on FB from previous IF'ers complaining about their pregnancies, I am sick of hearing about it from everyone and most of all I am sick of seeing others move on and have it easy when so much is going wrong for me.