We have lift-off: Getting Back in the Saddle.

After IUI #3 failed, I decided a break was in order.

A one month break turned into a two month break and a two month break turned into three months. I spent those days sleeping in past 6am and having arms that could be on show without bruises if I so chose. Being that it was the middle of winter, of course, that choice wasn't really mine to make, but those are just semantics.
I ate what I wanted, I zumba'ed as often as I wanted and best of all? I avoided needles and the accompanying mood swings and fits of anger that would put a psych ward to shame.

I toyed with the idea of Bariatric surgery and went as far as to schedule two doctor appointments to see if this would be a good route for me since losing weight would remove PCOS and removing PCOS would.. well, you get the picture. Ultimately, DH and I decided that it would be silly to waste over a year and a half of reproductive health on what would amount to no more than another experiment (and for those who read my prior postings, we all know how much I like being an experiment).

I realise I have spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at DH, angry at myself, angry at other people who are pregnant and most of all anger at G-d for putting me in this position to begin with; after thinking a lot today I realize I have no right to be angry. I have prayed for a baby for so long, and keep thinking my prayers are being ignored. Guess what? They aren't! It is true I have no baby and no positive pregnancy test, but I have been given a job with amazing benefits that will allow me to try and try and try again when IUI's cycle and even cover one (maybe 2) IVF cycles. G-d is giving me the tools to do it myself! And not only do I have the tools, but I have good, good friends who understand what I am going through, I have a wonderful husband (most of the time) and best of all, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with my gorgeous son.

So, going forward, my prayer is a little different. I pray for my continued clarity, faith and serenity as I begin embarking again on a zumba-less world of lonely early mornings, drugs, needles, weight gain and hatred for preggos ;)