All those months of taking my temperature first thing in the morning, all the money wasted on HPT's or ovulation tests, all my cheap ebay testing stick, fertility friend.. all for nothing.
Actually- not all for nothing. I have learnt how to be strong. I have learnt to brace myself. In the same way that one braces themselves in high school for the names, the looks, the whispering (in my case it was fat/ chubby/ chunky or any term of the day to describe an overweight being); nothing can compare to the strength it takes to speak to the friend you haven't heard from in a while, and faking a smile as they happily announce they are expecting number 2 or number 3. Even worse is the friend/ relative/ co-worker who got married 6 months after you, who are expecting in 6-8 months time.
How does one manage to go on when their 'failure' is all around them? You cannot compare not being pregnant to not winning the lottery- not everyone in their lifetime will win a lottery. However, 5 in 6 couples will have no problems conceiving, so what of the remaining one couple? It hurts to look at baby clothes, it hurts to hear of pregnancy.. and yet I find I have a morbid curiosity to being the first one to know who is or isn't pregnant. Maybe because I need longer to adjust to it? Maybe because I feel it won't hurt as much if I find out and accept they will soon have big baby tummies? Who knows.
The months begin and end around menstrual cycles. Everything is based on those few short 'fertile' days of the cycle. You plan when you can and can't go away. You plan who you can and can't have over to stay during those days. If you asked me for a date on any given day during the month, I most likely couldn't tell you. Ask me my cycle day however, and I will have a definitive answer for you.
I am not sure which is worse. Those months when you really feel you have a chance because you know you timed everything right, and have a bigger potential disappointment pay-off at the end? Or the months when you just weren't in the mood and barely BD'ed (baby danced for the uninformed) so there is practically zero chance.
For me, I think the worst is the look on my husbands face when I get my period. I slink away into the bathroom, and come out with a sad, resigned look on my face.. I don't even need to speak. For one with a usual poker face, you would think I'd be able to hide my feelings better after all this time.
He leans over and strokes me gently, and promises me everything will be ok, and that he is strong for the both of us. He isnt so strong though- I see the sadness all over his face, the look when he holds his siblings children. The way we imperceptibly glance at each other when someone asks if 'we have any kids yet'.
I also notice the excuses we have both adopted for answers to nosy questions. The "well we have only been married for xxx amount of time,"/ "we don't feel ready," or another ambiguous statement. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops the reasons why I don't have children, the reasons why I may never have children. Other times I use the only true, legal stress relieving method I know and resort to tears. Crying fits really, the kind that last for hours. The kind that only stop at 01:30 because you realize you have to be up for work in 5 hours.
So, I save my crying for another trigger time and place and give a sigh.
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