Due to on-going community issues, life issues and IF issues I have become isolated in my little box that allows me time to go to work, go grocery shopping, hit the gym (occasionally, very occasionally), surf the internet relentlessly and basically do anything that negates my need to leave the house.
Sometimes I wonder if I am invisible, and perhaps I am to some extent in my community. I post on FB and it is ignored. I post pics of DS and they are ignored too. Is my DS really so less worthy of attention than someone else's cute kid? Why am I so sensitive to this? Why do these people garner so much of my attention, over something so pointless? Unfortunately I have no answers, but I do wonder if FB has really improved or removed from my life. I love the ability of sharing on a mass level, but my sensitivity and vulnerability is flung wide open, with my high school feelings returning... This is NOT a good feeling.
Surprisingly, it is not an all-together lonely existence. I have friends I keep up with from across the street and across the globe who give me support and let me know I am not alone. To all of you guys, I thank you.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
We have lift-off: Getting Back in the Saddle.
After IUI #3 failed, I decided a break was in order.
A one month break turned into a two month break and a two month break turned into three months. I spent those days sleeping in past 6am and having arms that could be on show without bruises if I so chose. Being that it was the middle of winter, of course, that choice wasn't really mine to make, but those are just semantics.
I ate what I wanted, I zumba'ed as often as I wanted and best of all? I avoided needles and the accompanying mood swings and fits of anger that would put a psych ward to shame.
I toyed with the idea of Bariatric surgery and went as far as to schedule two doctor appointments to see if this would be a good route for me since losing weight would remove PCOS and removing PCOS would.. well, you get the picture. Ultimately, DH and I decided that it would be silly to waste over a year and a half of reproductive health on what would amount to no more than another experiment (and for those who read my prior postings, we all know how much I like being an experiment).
I realise I have spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at DH, angry at myself, angry at other people who are pregnant and most of all anger at G-d for putting me in this position to begin with; after thinking a lot today I realize I have no right to be angry. I have prayed for a baby for so long, and keep thinking my prayers are being ignored. Guess what? They aren't! It is true I have no baby and no positive pregnancy test, but I have been given a job with amazing benefits that will allow me to try and try and try again when IUI's cycle and even cover one (maybe 2) IVF cycles. G-d is giving me the tools to do it myself! And not only do I have the tools, but I have good, good friends who understand what I am going through, I have a wonderful husband (most of the time) and best of all, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with my gorgeous son.
So, going forward, my prayer is a little different. I pray for my continued clarity, faith and serenity as I begin embarking again on a zumba-less world of lonely early mornings, drugs, needles, weight gain and hatred for preggos ;)
A one month break turned into a two month break and a two month break turned into three months. I spent those days sleeping in past 6am and having arms that could be on show without bruises if I so chose. Being that it was the middle of winter, of course, that choice wasn't really mine to make, but those are just semantics.
I ate what I wanted, I zumba'ed as often as I wanted and best of all? I avoided needles and the accompanying mood swings and fits of anger that would put a psych ward to shame.
I toyed with the idea of Bariatric surgery and went as far as to schedule two doctor appointments to see if this would be a good route for me since losing weight would remove PCOS and removing PCOS would.. well, you get the picture. Ultimately, DH and I decided that it would be silly to waste over a year and a half of reproductive health on what would amount to no more than another experiment (and for those who read my prior postings, we all know how much I like being an experiment).
I realise I have spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at DH, angry at myself, angry at other people who are pregnant and most of all anger at G-d for putting me in this position to begin with; after thinking a lot today I realize I have no right to be angry. I have prayed for a baby for so long, and keep thinking my prayers are being ignored. Guess what? They aren't! It is true I have no baby and no positive pregnancy test, but I have been given a job with amazing benefits that will allow me to try and try and try again when IUI's cycle and even cover one (maybe 2) IVF cycles. G-d is giving me the tools to do it myself! And not only do I have the tools, but I have good, good friends who understand what I am going through, I have a wonderful husband (most of the time) and best of all, I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with my gorgeous son.
So, going forward, my prayer is a little different. I pray for my continued clarity, faith and serenity as I begin embarking again on a zumba-less world of lonely early mornings, drugs, needles, weight gain and hatred for preggos ;)
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