Well, I think we have now completed the rounds of telling everyone in both mine and DH's family.
We have had an array of responses from 'maybe losing weight will help'(.. a personal favorite); 'well miracles happen.. just pray' (DH's favourite); 'just relax.. these things happen when you least expect them (umm..HELLO. We have a medical condition.. does cancer just go away in the same fashion??) and finally the winner 'I have a friend who has a friend, who has a sister, who has a cousin who has a boyfriend, who has a dog who has a mother... Anyway, they spent all their life savings, they didn't have any money to pay their bills or their rent/ mortgage but they pushed on because they believed they would get PG and guess what??? After their 5th IVF they got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl.'
Now, I am all for the positive stories. Hell, if you know people who got PG their first IUI with a DX of PCOS, please go ahead and share.
However, how on earth do people (and these people are typically the ones who didn't struggle at all to get pregnant) think that telling me about so-and-so spending all their money, and failing a few times first, makes me feel good and hopeful?
I mean, I would never tell someone who lost their job 'Oh, don't worry. My friend xxx lost their job and they had no money for next three years, lost their house and got divorced: But then, right when they thought it was all over and were about to slit their wrists they got a phone call offering them this amazing job. And right after they took the job, they won 3.5 trillion on the lottery.'
It seems to me that people have lost their ability to be sensitive... The amount of times DH's sisters have told me that their parents/ grandma/ other relatives only come to see them to see their kids is unbelievable. What if we don't have kids I ask myself. Am I destined to be defined forever by the kids I do or do not have?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tax deductible... what?!
The past few days have been indecisive ones; A few days of work, a semi-brutal diagnosis and insurance conundrums.
DH and I have decided that for next few months, I will be referred to as HGP (human guinea pig).
Indeed, dear readers, I have gone against my better judgment and decided to swallow a very bitter pill ( although admittedly this is mostly due to us only having a one bedroom so not being able to pass a homestudy, the new adoptions rules in China/ Colombia/ any foreign country of your choice) named Clomid. Yup- I will be an energizer bunny trying to balance my work, home and infertility life! Luckily though, according to my insurance having children is a lifestyle choice (thereby meaning it is my lifestyle choice to go through mad expensive infertility treatments) so I will become adept at being a work/ home/ infertility cycling life-guru.
Ahhhhh. Insurance. Where does one begin. My husbands company self insures. Mine doesn't insure at all, and doesn't even offer buying into a policy- maybe because we are only three people in the office.
The wonderful ways of self insuring work as follows:
1) Company picks and chooses what it will/ wont pay for
2) Muggins (us the employees) pay 'premiums' from their pre-tax paycheck.
3) Any treatment that we don't need to have (i.e. if we don't get sick) or don't claim from the company using our insurance premium goes straight into the companies pockets! Great system- we pay our company to insure us, and they make money from us.
4) And this is the big one- they escape being governed by state mandated law, thereby effectively killing any infertiles chance's of being covered even if they are working and living in a state such as MA or NJ which is fully mandated with IVF coverage.
The best part of all is that you cannot even buy into a premium. IF is considered a pre-existing condition in NJ and I would not be covered under any new insurance policy I choose to buy for 12 months.
Our only hope is to a) find people who will sponsor a cycle; b) win the lottery; c) use up all our (meager) savings.
I have been asked if sponsoring me would be tax-deductible.
I am not tax deductible. I am not glamorous. I will not be able to pay you back. The best I can say? I am a girl with her man who simply want to get pregnant and have a child. Or maybe children.
DH and I have decided that for next few months, I will be referred to as HGP (human guinea pig).
Indeed, dear readers, I have gone against my better judgment and decided to swallow a very bitter pill ( although admittedly this is mostly due to us only having a one bedroom so not being able to pass a homestudy, the new adoptions rules in China/ Colombia/ any foreign country of your choice) named Clomid. Yup- I will be an energizer bunny trying to balance my work, home and infertility life! Luckily though, according to my insurance having children is a lifestyle choice (thereby meaning it is my lifestyle choice to go through mad expensive infertility treatments) so I will become adept at being a work/ home/ infertility cycling life-guru.
Ahhhhh. Insurance. Where does one begin. My husbands company self insures. Mine doesn't insure at all, and doesn't even offer buying into a policy- maybe because we are only three people in the office.
The wonderful ways of self insuring work as follows:
1) Company picks and chooses what it will/ wont pay for
2) Muggins (us the employees) pay 'premiums' from their pre-tax paycheck.
3) Any treatment that we don't need to have (i.e. if we don't get sick) or don't claim from the company using our insurance premium goes straight into the companies pockets! Great system- we pay our company to insure us, and they make money from us.
4) And this is the big one- they escape being governed by state mandated law, thereby effectively killing any infertiles chance's of being covered even if they are working and living in a state such as MA or NJ which is fully mandated with IVF coverage.
The best part of all is that you cannot even buy into a premium. IF is considered a pre-existing condition in NJ and I would not be covered under any new insurance policy I choose to buy for 12 months.
Our only hope is to a) find people who will sponsor a cycle; b) win the lottery; c) use up all our (meager) savings.
I have been asked if sponsoring me would be tax-deductible.
I am not tax deductible. I am not glamorous. I will not be able to pay you back. The best I can say? I am a girl with her man who simply want to get pregnant and have a child. Or maybe children.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
'People' in MY world
I have heard it said many times (although thankfully not to me) that when 'god is displeased with a union between man and his wife, he shows his displeasure by not creating and giving children to that union.'
Now, I have never believed that and nor will I, however, if I ever needed to disprove this statement I need look no further than last weeks People magazine.
People last week posted their biggest ever spread of teenagers who are pregnant. Not famous teenagers (AKA Jamie Lynn Spears) but regular, every day kids who do not have Britney to rely on for financial support.
Of the 6 or so kids picture (ranging from 13-17) I think one is still with the baby's father, and one gave the kid up for adoption. I am ok with being pro- choice for 20+ year olds, but who really thinks we are doing these kids a favor by 'permitting' them to keep their babies when they are still babies themselves and will need to support themselves and their babies for the rest of their lives?
I know this is not going to be a popular post, or one that everyone will agree with. I think however, that sub-fertiles have a hard enough time being confronted with peers being pregnant.. why is it necessary to be confronted now with people at least ten years younger than the majority of us.. especially people who are generally totally unequipped to be parental units.
There is a fine line that can be drawn between what one can and can't say to me. For example, I wouldn't want to think that my family to have to monitor what they do and don't tell me because they know my situation; however, I do not think I need to be confronted with my failure to reproduce in a national magazine with people who are (IMHO) far less able to be good parents than I am.
Now, I have never believed that and nor will I, however, if I ever needed to disprove this statement I need look no further than last weeks People magazine.
People last week posted their biggest ever spread of teenagers who are pregnant. Not famous teenagers (AKA Jamie Lynn Spears) but regular, every day kids who do not have Britney to rely on for financial support.
Of the 6 or so kids picture (ranging from 13-17) I think one is still with the baby's father, and one gave the kid up for adoption. I am ok with being pro- choice for 20+ year olds, but who really thinks we are doing these kids a favor by 'permitting' them to keep their babies when they are still babies themselves and will need to support themselves and their babies for the rest of their lives?
I know this is not going to be a popular post, or one that everyone will agree with. I think however, that sub-fertiles have a hard enough time being confronted with peers being pregnant.. why is it necessary to be confronted now with people at least ten years younger than the majority of us.. especially people who are generally totally unequipped to be parental units.
There is a fine line that can be drawn between what one can and can't say to me. For example, I wouldn't want to think that my family to have to monitor what they do and don't tell me because they know my situation; however, I do not think I need to be confronted with my failure to reproduce in a national magazine with people who are (IMHO) far less able to be good parents than I am.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Selfish is as selfish does
I have come to the conclusion that I am selfish.
Not in the traditional way, because I am always the first to lend an ear/ hand or whatever I can do to help.
No, I am a new kind of selfish.
DH (dear hubby for the uninformed) and I were discussing what our feelings were in the lead up to our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appointment next Monday.. He is very much of the opinion that we should do whatever it takes to try and conceive our own child- be it drugs, IUI or IVF.
I am of the opinion that I do not want to give my body over to science quite so soon- I do not want to be a guinea pig. I have one body which I do not want to share with experimental procedures that make no guarantees. Especially experimental procedures which will cost us an awful lot of money, aside from anything else.
I think I would rather go the Angelina/ Brad route and adopt.
I think at this point having one guarantee is something that sounds highly, highly attractive.
Not in the traditional way, because I am always the first to lend an ear/ hand or whatever I can do to help.
No, I am a new kind of selfish.
DH (dear hubby for the uninformed) and I were discussing what our feelings were in the lead up to our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appointment next Monday.. He is very much of the opinion that we should do whatever it takes to try and conceive our own child- be it drugs, IUI or IVF.
I am of the opinion that I do not want to give my body over to science quite so soon- I do not want to be a guinea pig. I have one body which I do not want to share with experimental procedures that make no guarantees. Especially experimental procedures which will cost us an awful lot of money, aside from anything else.
I think I would rather go the Angelina/ Brad route and adopt.
I think at this point having one guarantee is something that sounds highly, highly attractive.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Cycle Circles
" I never thought I'd have a house, a great job and no boyfriend or husband at 27," my friend told me yesterday. It was a sentiment I was readily able to sympathize with. I never thought I would go through Jan, Feb, March - actually all of 2007 and not have one positive (forgive the pun) sign to show for it.
All those months of taking my temperature first thing in the morning, all the money wasted on HPT's or ovulation tests, all my cheap ebay testing stick, fertility friend.. all for nothing.
Actually- not all for nothing. I have learnt how to be strong. I have learnt to brace myself. In the same way that one braces themselves in high school for the names, the looks, the whispering (in my case it was fat/ chubby/ chunky or any term of the day to describe an overweight being); nothing can compare to the strength it takes to speak to the friend you haven't heard from in a while, and faking a smile as they happily announce they are expecting number 2 or number 3. Even worse is the friend/ relative/ co-worker who got married 6 months after you, who are expecting in 6-8 months time.
How does one manage to go on when their 'failure' is all around them? You cannot compare not being pregnant to not winning the lottery- not everyone in their lifetime will win a lottery. However, 5 in 6 couples will have no problems conceiving, so what of the remaining one couple? It hurts to look at baby clothes, it hurts to hear of pregnancy.. and yet I find I have a morbid curiosity to being the first one to know who is or isn't pregnant. Maybe because I need longer to adjust to it? Maybe because I feel it won't hurt as much if I find out and accept they will soon have big baby tummies? Who knows.
The months begin and end around menstrual cycles. Everything is based on those few short 'fertile' days of the cycle. You plan when you can and can't go away. You plan who you can and can't have over to stay during those days. If you asked me for a date on any given day during the month, I most likely couldn't tell you. Ask me my cycle day however, and I will have a definitive answer for you.
I am not sure which is worse. Those months when you really feel you have a chance because you know you timed everything right, and have a bigger potential disappointment pay-off at the end? Or the months when you just weren't in the mood and barely BD'ed (baby danced for the uninformed) so there is practically zero chance.
For me, I think the worst is the look on my husbands face when I get my period. I slink away into the bathroom, and come out with a sad, resigned look on my face.. I don't even need to speak. For one with a usual poker face, you would think I'd be able to hide my feelings better after all this time.
He leans over and strokes me gently, and promises me everything will be ok, and that he is strong for the both of us. He isnt so strong though- I see the sadness all over his face, the look when he holds his siblings children. The way we imperceptibly glance at each other when someone asks if 'we have any kids yet'.
I also notice the excuses we have both adopted for answers to nosy questions. The "well we have only been married for xxx amount of time,"/ "we don't feel ready," or another ambiguous statement. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops the reasons why I don't have children, the reasons why I may never have children. Other times I use the only true, legal stress relieving method I know and resort to tears. Crying fits really, the kind that last for hours. The kind that only stop at 01:30 because you realize you have to be up for work in 5 hours.
So, I save my crying for another trigger time and place and give a sigh.
All those months of taking my temperature first thing in the morning, all the money wasted on HPT's or ovulation tests, all my cheap ebay testing stick, fertility friend.. all for nothing.
Actually- not all for nothing. I have learnt how to be strong. I have learnt to brace myself. In the same way that one braces themselves in high school for the names, the looks, the whispering (in my case it was fat/ chubby/ chunky or any term of the day to describe an overweight being); nothing can compare to the strength it takes to speak to the friend you haven't heard from in a while, and faking a smile as they happily announce they are expecting number 2 or number 3. Even worse is the friend/ relative/ co-worker who got married 6 months after you, who are expecting in 6-8 months time.
How does one manage to go on when their 'failure' is all around them? You cannot compare not being pregnant to not winning the lottery- not everyone in their lifetime will win a lottery. However, 5 in 6 couples will have no problems conceiving, so what of the remaining one couple? It hurts to look at baby clothes, it hurts to hear of pregnancy.. and yet I find I have a morbid curiosity to being the first one to know who is or isn't pregnant. Maybe because I need longer to adjust to it? Maybe because I feel it won't hurt as much if I find out and accept they will soon have big baby tummies? Who knows.
The months begin and end around menstrual cycles. Everything is based on those few short 'fertile' days of the cycle. You plan when you can and can't go away. You plan who you can and can't have over to stay during those days. If you asked me for a date on any given day during the month, I most likely couldn't tell you. Ask me my cycle day however, and I will have a definitive answer for you.
I am not sure which is worse. Those months when you really feel you have a chance because you know you timed everything right, and have a bigger potential disappointment pay-off at the end? Or the months when you just weren't in the mood and barely BD'ed (baby danced for the uninformed) so there is practically zero chance.
For me, I think the worst is the look on my husbands face when I get my period. I slink away into the bathroom, and come out with a sad, resigned look on my face.. I don't even need to speak. For one with a usual poker face, you would think I'd be able to hide my feelings better after all this time.
He leans over and strokes me gently, and promises me everything will be ok, and that he is strong for the both of us. He isnt so strong though- I see the sadness all over his face, the look when he holds his siblings children. The way we imperceptibly glance at each other when someone asks if 'we have any kids yet'.
I also notice the excuses we have both adopted for answers to nosy questions. The "well we have only been married for xxx amount of time,"/ "we don't feel ready," or another ambiguous statement. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops the reasons why I don't have children, the reasons why I may never have children. Other times I use the only true, legal stress relieving method I know and resort to tears. Crying fits really, the kind that last for hours. The kind that only stop at 01:30 because you realize you have to be up for work in 5 hours.
So, I save my crying for another trigger time and place and give a sigh.
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