Final Release

No, not sex unfortunately- that is still banned..

I am referring to my release-age from my RE center. As of this Friday, I am a regular OB- GYN patient.

I had my final RE ultrasound this morning. We saw the baby (now a nice 9.91 mm!); could not hear the heartbeat this time- only saw it (beating away at 140 BMP approx), which was disappointing but THRILLED it is there; and I am measuring one day ahead. Going by my last scan I am 7w0d, today I am measuring at 7w1d. Also, they gave me my official due date- December 15th 2008!

As far as symptoms go my nausea is kicking in with lots of gagging; peeing all the time; and tastebuds are a little off. It is all worth it though :)

Unexisting Complexities

These past few days have been nothing short of horrendous, for those of you who haven't figured that out already... there is little that leaves you feeling as helpless and weak as the sureity and knowledge in your own mind that everything is not ok, and failures are sure to happen.

I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.
However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!

So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.

But It Might Not Be!

Just got a call re: my beta.. It is now 4099. I cannot believe my beta can be climbing at such a rate and going nowhere... I said that to my nurse and she kindly responded 'well at this stage the ultrasound tell us more than beta'- thanks a LOT, lady! I know!
She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)
I will keep you all posted...

They Think It's All Over....

So, we went for our ultrasound to determine if a yolk sac would be seen in conjunction with our gestational sac. We have a gestational sac of 8.53 and no yolk sac to be seen. The Dr said this is a concern, and I really feel like the blood work doesn't matter anymore- everyone knows if there is no yolk sac, there is no way for the baby to survive.
We have to go back on Tuesday, but at this point (pardon the English expression) I feel like we are flogging a dead horse, and I have no idea how to get back on it.
I know there is a chance we may see a yolk sac on Tuesday, but at this point I'd say we are well and truly fucked- to make matters worse, we are due to be going to the in-laws for a family weekend and I don't think we can get out of it. Roll on SIL with her 3rd baby, and other SIL who's pregnant with her 6th. This is gonna be great.

I feel like right now I am just walking around with a dead baby and/or a mass of dead cells. This really sucks. As I mentioned before I always thought I'd be ok if I had a miscarriage- at least it means I can get pregnant, right?? Well, now I wonder if, in hindsight, I would really have had my hopes raised so high, to be dashed so low. I wonder if that first high is truly worth the low.

And, where to go from here. I don't want to give up, and yet how do I go through this all over again? Just thinking about needing to go in again for the aptly named 'morning monitoring' to get permission to take clomid makes my blood run cold.. just thinking about paying all those IF bills again makes me want to shoot myself. And yet, what choice do we have? How do I keep pushing myself through, saying it will all be ok, when I don't know that it ever will?

Afternoon Update!

Beta was 2177!!!

She said if there is no yolk sac on Friday we have a concern, but DH and I are feeling very optimistic.....

Ultrasound Update

I am meant to be 5w3d today.. no real symptoms yet, but had the ultrasound this morning. They saw a 'probable gestational sac' measuring 6.53 mm- no yolk sac, but that's apparently normal in a sac measuring under 10 mm.

Am going to be spending the day doing what I do best:
1) Worrying/ Panicking
2) Waiting for a call back from the nurse with my beta numbers

Update!

I am shaking all over..... beta today was 117!!! More than doubled! They don't even want to see me again til the ultrasound next Wednesday!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!