3 follicles- check
40 million sperm- check
level 6 progesterone followed by a HUGE helping of prometrium- check
HPT 14 days after trigger- check
Beta- check
BFP on beta and hpt!!!!!!!
Side note: Beta is a little low at 45, but form what I've read, with IUI it is hard to determine exactly when you ovulate, so 45 on day 13 is pretty good, and for day 14 also not too bad! Praying for Wednesday beta to be good....
Monday, April 7, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Feelings
It has occurred to me that many of the people in my life know absolutely nothing about fertility or lack there of. Mostly the people who opened their legs and got pregnant. They especially do not know anything about the feelings of an infertile, and in some cases would do well to learn.
A Summation:
My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?
Me: On Monday
Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors.
Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.
Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?
Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.
J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?
Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.
J: Well it was 8 days ago!
Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation
J: Well then you should be able to tell by now
My M.I.L
DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (that's me!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.
M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (I only wish I was making this up)
DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.
M.IL.: Why is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.
DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.
My F.I.L (side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)
F.I.L: (with 17 y.o SIL in the car): Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?
Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.
F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.
Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.
F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?
Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.
F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.
Me: Whatever
Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (I have to be) ok if this all doesn't go my way.
A Summation:
My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?
Me: On Monday
Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors.
Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.
Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?
Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.
J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?
Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.
J: Well it was 8 days ago!
Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation
J: Well then you should be able to tell by now
My M.I.L
DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (that's me!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.
M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (I only wish I was making this up)
DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.
M.IL.: Why is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.
DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.
My F.I.L (side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)
F.I.L: (with 17 y.o SIL in the car): Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?
Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.
F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.
Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.
F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?
Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.
F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.
Me: Whatever
Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (I have to be) ok if this all doesn't go my way.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Facts About Me
Waiting tagged me, so see my quirky facts below.
Rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules.
Share six non-important habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag three other people.
1) I am from London, England and all my family (except DH) are there.
2) I am addicted to potato chips. I have been known to spend over $100 shipping in stuff from England because I don't think the chips here compare (sorry!)
3) I am the oldest and only married one of my siblings. My brother is 25 and 11 months younger than me, my sister is 24 and my youngest brother is 20.
4) DH does not know I keep a blog, nor do any of my friends (except E).
5) I trained as an occupational therapist, and I HATE it. I never worked as one, and now I work for a really low paying job in non-profit in Manhattan.
6) I am a recipe and cookbook-aholic. I love finding new recipes for old favourites. This drives DH crazy because if I make something he loves with one recipe, the next time I will use a new recipe for the same food, and it won't come out the same/ as good/ whatever....
Sorry I cannot tag anyone else as all the bloggers I read have done this like 10 times over by now!
Monday, March 31, 2008
A Working Breakdown
I got the call today at 3:00 p.m. announcing my cousin, who was married 8 freaking months after me, had the baby and she had a girl. Of course she did. The one thing I was hoping for (my saving grace) was that she would have a boy and at least this way I could be the first one to name after our mutual grandma. Seriously, this sucks. I wanted so bad to be pregnant before her (and her brother who got married 3 weeks after she did) and they are both expecting with one of them delivered before I am even pregnant. I don't even pretend to be happy anymore for people who give birth- sure, I send a gift, say congratulations and paste a smile on my face.. but the only time I really feel joy for people who give birth are those who struggled to get there. I guess I'm a bitch, but I can't change the way I feel.
Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.
At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.
The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.
Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.
At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.
The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Another and another and another...
And so, here I am 3 days after my 2nd IUI, 3 days post ovulation, 8 hours after my progesterone test (although why they opted to do it on CD 19 I have no idea). The one test I was not worried about and they came back to me with the high number of 6. Fabulous.
As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.
So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)
I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...
As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.
So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)
I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Questioners Question
Some time ago, DH banned me from using two little words, they are (in order):
1) What
2) If
But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is 'what if this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by 'what if I never get pregnant?'
The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.
I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?
And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?
1) What
2) If
But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is 'what if this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by 'what if I never get pregnant?'
The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.
I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?
And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
