I got the call today at 3:00 p.m. announcing my cousin, who was married 8 freaking months after me, had the baby and she had a girl. Of course she did. The one thing I was hoping for (my saving grace) was that she would have a boy and at least this way I could be the first one to name after our mutual grandma. Seriously, this sucks. I wanted so bad to be pregnant before her (and her brother who got married 3 weeks after she did) and they are both expecting with one of them delivered before I am even pregnant. I don't even pretend to be happy anymore for people who give birth- sure, I send a gift, say congratulations and paste a smile on my face.. but the only time I really feel joy for people who give birth are those who struggled to get there. I guess I'm a bitch, but I can't change the way I feel.
Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.
At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.
The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Your tendency to not feel happy or sad for others sounds like a coping mechanism and I think it makes sense. You have to protect yourself somehow. I do the same thing. I think it is just easier for us to feel joy for others who struggled to get pregnant because we know what they've been through and we can empathize.
I have definitely had those thoughts about wishing for a failed pregnancy, just so I would know I CAN get pregnant. I don't think you are crazy at all. What you are wishing is that you knew you could get pregnant, you aren't specifically wishing for the miscarriage part and wanting to go through those emotions.
Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself.
We can all relate. Try to remember that you are not alone. This is really, really hard stuff. Give yourself a hug, and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
You are not crazy. If I had a nickel for every time I wish I could at least get pregnant, even if that meant miscarrying, well I would be rich.
I know you feel wrong thinking that way, but you're not alone. I feel like that more than I would ever wish to.
Big SIGH.
I feel for you, I am so sorry for your hard day. I am constantly waiting for someone else to tell me they're pregnant after one month of trying or "accidentally." I really struggled with my emotions over OPP (other people's pregnancies) my first year of infertility and I guess I just finally figured out that we all have struggles in our lives and this one just happens to be mine. I have everything else right in my life, though, so I guess I can learn to accept it, you know? This has made me SO MUCH stronger and I am thankful for that. I know when/if my baby arrives, I will love him/her far more than any other person could understand.
Thinking of you and praying and hoping for you to find peace.
*hugs*
Post a Comment