No, not sex unfortunately- that is still banned..
I am referring to my release-age from my RE center. As of this Friday, I am a regular OB- GYN patient.
I had my final RE ultrasound this morning. We saw the baby (now a nice 9.91 mm!); could not hear the heartbeat this time- only saw it (beating away at 140 BMP approx), which was disappointing but THRILLED it is there; and I am measuring one day ahead. Going by my last scan I am 7w0d, today I am measuring at 7w1d. Also, they gave me my official due date- December 15th 2008!
As far as symptoms go my nausea is kicking in with lots of gagging; peeing all the time; and tastebuds are a little off. It is all worth it though :)
Monday, April 28, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Unexisting Complexities
These past few days have been nothing short of horrendous, for those of you who haven't figured that out already... there is little that leaves you feeling as helpless and weak as the sureity and knowledge in your own mind that everything is not ok, and failures are sure to happen.
I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.
However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!
So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.
I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.
However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!
So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.
Friday, April 18, 2008
But It Might Not Be!
Just got a call re: my beta.. It is now 4099. I cannot believe my beta can be climbing at such a rate and going nowhere... I said that to my nurse and she kindly responded 'well at this stage the ultrasound tell us more than beta'- thanks a LOT, lady! I know!
She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)
I will keep you all posted...
She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)
I will keep you all posted...
They Think It's All Over....
So, we went for our ultrasound to determine if a yolk sac would be seen in conjunction with our gestational sac. We have a gestational sac of 8.53 and no yolk sac to be seen. The Dr said this is a concern, and I really feel like the blood work doesn't matter anymore- everyone knows if there is no yolk sac, there is no way for the baby to survive.
We have to go back on Tuesday, but at this point (pardon the English expression) I feel like we are flogging a dead horse, and I have no idea how to get back on it.
I know there is a chance we may see a yolk sac on Tuesday, but at this point I'd say we are well and truly fucked- to make matters worse, we are due to be going to the in-laws for a family weekend and I don't think we can get out of it. Roll on SIL with her 3rd baby, and other SIL who's pregnant with her 6th. This is gonna be great.
I feel like right now I am just walking around with a dead baby and/or a mass of dead cells. This really sucks. As I mentioned before I always thought I'd be ok if I had a miscarriage- at least it means I can get pregnant, right?? Well, now I wonder if, in hindsight, I would really have had my hopes raised so high, to be dashed so low. I wonder if that first high is truly worth the low.
And, where to go from here. I don't want to give up, and yet how do I go through this all over again? Just thinking about needing to go in again for the aptly named 'morning monitoring' to get permission to take clomid makes my blood run cold.. just thinking about paying all those IF bills again makes me want to shoot myself. And yet, what choice do we have? How do I keep pushing myself through, saying it will all be ok, when I don't know that it ever will?
We have to go back on Tuesday, but at this point (pardon the English expression) I feel like we are flogging a dead horse, and I have no idea how to get back on it.
I know there is a chance we may see a yolk sac on Tuesday, but at this point I'd say we are well and truly fucked- to make matters worse, we are due to be going to the in-laws for a family weekend and I don't think we can get out of it. Roll on SIL with her 3rd baby, and other SIL who's pregnant with her 6th. This is gonna be great.
I feel like right now I am just walking around with a dead baby and/or a mass of dead cells. This really sucks. As I mentioned before I always thought I'd be ok if I had a miscarriage- at least it means I can get pregnant, right?? Well, now I wonder if, in hindsight, I would really have had my hopes raised so high, to be dashed so low. I wonder if that first high is truly worth the low.
And, where to go from here. I don't want to give up, and yet how do I go through this all over again? Just thinking about needing to go in again for the aptly named 'morning monitoring' to get permission to take clomid makes my blood run cold.. just thinking about paying all those IF bills again makes me want to shoot myself. And yet, what choice do we have? How do I keep pushing myself through, saying it will all be ok, when I don't know that it ever will?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Afternoon Update!
Beta was 2177!!!
She said if there is no yolk sac on Friday we have a concern, but DH and I are feeling very optimistic.....
She said if there is no yolk sac on Friday we have a concern, but DH and I are feeling very optimistic.....
Ultrasound Update
I am meant to be 5w3d today.. no real symptoms yet, but had the ultrasound this morning. They saw a 'probable gestational sac' measuring 6.53 mm- no yolk sac, but that's apparently normal in a sac measuring under 10 mm.
Am going to be spending the day doing what I do best:
1) Worrying/ Panicking
2) Waiting for a call back from the nurse with my beta numbers
Am going to be spending the day doing what I do best:
1) Worrying/ Panicking
2) Waiting for a call back from the nurse with my beta numbers
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Update!
I am shaking all over..... beta today was 117!!! More than doubled! They don't even want to see me again til the ultrasound next Wednesday!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Monday, April 7, 2008
A Perfect Cycle
3 follicles- check
40 million sperm- check
level 6 progesterone followed by a HUGE helping of prometrium- check
HPT 14 days after trigger- check
Beta- check
BFP on beta and hpt!!!!!!!
Side note: Beta is a little low at 45, but form what I've read, with IUI it is hard to determine exactly when you ovulate, so 45 on day 13 is pretty good, and for day 14 also not too bad! Praying for Wednesday beta to be good....
40 million sperm- check
level 6 progesterone followed by a HUGE helping of prometrium- check
HPT 14 days after trigger- check
Beta- check
BFP on beta and hpt!!!!!!!
Side note: Beta is a little low at 45, but form what I've read, with IUI it is hard to determine exactly when you ovulate, so 45 on day 13 is pretty good, and for day 14 also not too bad! Praying for Wednesday beta to be good....
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Feelings
It has occurred to me that many of the people in my life know absolutely nothing about fertility or lack there of. Mostly the people who opened their legs and got pregnant. They especially do not know anything about the feelings of an infertile, and in some cases would do well to learn.
A Summation:
My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?
Me: On Monday
Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors.
Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.
Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?
Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.
J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?
Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.
J: Well it was 8 days ago!
Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation
J: Well then you should be able to tell by now
My M.I.L
DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (that's me!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.
M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (I only wish I was making this up)
DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.
M.IL.: Why is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.
DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.
My F.I.L (side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)
F.I.L: (with 17 y.o SIL in the car): Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?
Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.
F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.
Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.
F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?
Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.
F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.
Me: Whatever
Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (I have to be) ok if this all doesn't go my way.
A Summation:
My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?
Me: On Monday
Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors.
Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.
Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?
Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.
J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?
Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.
J: Well it was 8 days ago!
Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation
J: Well then you should be able to tell by now
My M.I.L
DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (that's me!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.
M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (I only wish I was making this up)
DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.
M.IL.: Why is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.
DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.
My F.I.L (side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)
F.I.L: (with 17 y.o SIL in the car): Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?
Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.
F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.
Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.
F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?
Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.
F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.
Me: Whatever
Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (I have to be) ok if this all doesn't go my way.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Facts About Me
Waiting tagged me, so see my quirky facts below.
Rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules.
Share six non-important habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag three other people.
1) I am from London, England and all my family (except DH) are there.
2) I am addicted to potato chips. I have been known to spend over $100 shipping in stuff from England because I don't think the chips here compare (sorry!)
3) I am the oldest and only married one of my siblings. My brother is 25 and 11 months younger than me, my sister is 24 and my youngest brother is 20.
4) DH does not know I keep a blog, nor do any of my friends (except E).
5) I trained as an occupational therapist, and I HATE it. I never worked as one, and now I work for a really low paying job in non-profit in Manhattan.
6) I am a recipe and cookbook-aholic. I love finding new recipes for old favourites. This drives DH crazy because if I make something he loves with one recipe, the next time I will use a new recipe for the same food, and it won't come out the same/ as good/ whatever....
Sorry I cannot tag anyone else as all the bloggers I read have done this like 10 times over by now!
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