Again, again and AGAIN.

Thats right, folks.

As opposed to last time, where I got three beautie follies on clomid cycle 1, I am drowning in a despairing cycle of low E2 numbers. And not just this cycle, but the previous two as well.

Here is how the last two looked.

New highly recommended (CHEAP) RE #1 decided to use clomid/IUI again. My E2 numbers just wouldn't rise. I ended up triggering on a pathetic E2 level with a (very likely bad quality) follie measuring at 32mm. Needless to say, that cycle failed. Left RE.

2nd highly recommended (CHEAP) RE #2. Forced another HSG on me, with used equipment that could have reliably been seen on American Pickers and being sold on as an antique. It hurt like a mofo. He claimed I have polyps, but that we would press ahead with cycle. Started Gonal-F at 75, barely responded after three days so he bumped me up to 150. That forced my ovaries into overdrive and again I had only one (probably bad quality) follie ready to go on day 10. Triggered and of course nothing. Left RE.

Got new RE ( not cheap at all but insurance paying- yay!) and went back to place got PG with DS. Best in NJ, tri state area and arguably up there as one of the best in entire country. Started Gonal-F again, and still low E2 numbers. Instead of panicking, however, they kept me on same dosage of 150 for a week, with bumping me up 25.5 just last night. They say I am exactly where I should be and I do have a bunch of small follies waiting to develop.

The morning monitoring sessions are still killer. The shots hurt like hell. I am a weight gaining mess. I cry, snap and barely laugh. I am unpleasant. I am fucking INFERTILE.... AGAIN, STILL, WHATEVER!!! But, with a difference. No-one cares this time around. No-one wants to hear me complain. No-one thinks I have feelings about not getting PG since I already have a child. And I am so grateful for this sweet little boy, and I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams with this perfect child. But, you know what? It is not enough. I want another. I want a sibling for my son. And you know what else?? I do not think that is so wrong.

I am sick of seeing postings on FB from previous IF'ers complaining about their pregnancies, I am sick of hearing about it from everyone and most of all I am sick of seeing others move on and have it easy when so much is going wrong for me.

Here we go....

So, quick round up of my life since I saw you last.

The Good Stuff:

Gave birth to gorgeous healthy boy with thanks and love to the One above always in December of 2008.

I started a new job, with fertility coverage.

I am in school online for a random degree.

The Bad Stuff:

Have not used b/c since delivering him and decided to wait until he was 2 before actively trying again... not even a sniff of a pregnancy during these three years.

Bought a house.

DH started a new business, had massive falling out with business partner b/c discovered partner was stealing from him. Sadly, they were out best friends in this community and now we are dying to move out. DH still has no job.

I am in school online for a random degree.

Everyone in this town who had a child after DS was born is pregnant again as are many other of my friends.

I am hating my life in this community.... but cannot move out yet.

We are totally broke.

x2 we are totally broke.

Pro-Life or Pro-Rights?

A story which is HUGE in my personal world right now comes to me courtesy of the UK; so bear with me if you haven't heard this one. The UK parliament yesterday had a vote to decide whether the abortion limit should be lowered rom 24 weeks to 20 weeks. Let me repeat: 24 weeks to 20 weeks. Wtf??? I am obviously coming from a more pro-life viewpoint (aside from being a modern- orthodox Jew, I am not sure anyone can through fertility issues and not be more to the pro-life fight), however, watching women standing outside for THEIR right to be allowed to abort their baby until 24 weeks was disgusting.
This isn't even about baby's right.. this is about 1) why someone who has made a conscious decision to have sex sans protection would not consider they MAY get pregnant, and 2) why it would take someone 24 weeks to decide they don't want a baby in their life.
I understand (semi) that people can't handle a baby right now, for their own reasons, and I understand some people don't care and will abort- but I feel so strongly that the limit should be 12 weeks. 3 months is definitely long enough for someone to decide, never mind the fact research shows babies born at 24 weeks can survive.
The UK has over 197,000 abortions a year. What country sets out to achieve this statistic? It may also interest you to know that the UK also has the highest number of (single) mothers under 16 in Europe. How embarrassing to a country which purportedly prides itself on propriety.

Furthermore, there is a huge girl gang/ yob culture (yobs are fortunately somewhat unknown in this country, and are mostly drunk soccer hooligan-type who are teenage boys between 10-25 for the most part who vandalize, attack innocent people for 'fun', behave anti- socially.. anyway you get the general impression) which i fully believe is due to all these young single mother/ broken family types.

Why can't people who obviously can't care for their kids put them up for adoption? Or if they must, indeed do an abortion but do it before 12 weeks? What kind of a society are we living in these days???

OB Experience

I went this morning for my OB appointment. Aside from needing to wait 45 mins due to a 'medical emergency' (these always seem to happen to me.. I must give off that vibe... last time at my RE I waited 45 mins naked from the waist down for my ultrasound), and the doctor having some very interesting pics on his wall- more about that later- everything seemed to be looking good.
DH came in with me to the examination room, and I think it was awkward for him because I don't think any guy wants to see his wife be touched up- the one saving grace however was that he had a humour moment when apparently after the Dr removed the speculum (I had a pap smear, yay me) something 'yellow and gooey fell out of the floor'... no prizes to anyone who guessed, but it was indeed the prometrium coating. Good stuff.

As I mentioned before, the Dr was more than a little quirky.. very nice, but totally quirky. He had all the regular dr certificates on his wall, but also a 'deep sea diver' certification, and many cartoon and drawn pictures of a dr either delivering a baby, explaining about sex or the view for the woman when her feet are in stirrups etc etc. Bizarre.

However, no appointment of mine is complete without a heart-stopping moment. Mine came when he did the ultrasound- he swung it round to show me how big the baby got, the heartbeat etc, but whe he printed off the picture it said 6w6d and showed me as being smaller than on Monday. I totally freaked out as we made our way back to the doctors office....

Once seated, he kept reassuring us everytting was ok, and finally I blurted out 'umm if everything is so good why am I measuring less than I was on Monday..' He looked at me kindly and explained his machine isn't as hi-tech as at my RE's office. Thanks for explaining that before, man.

Anyway, next appointment in three weeks, but I did leave the office with a question which I now want to pose to you all.
I explained that before I went on BCP (i was on loestrin) I never ever had problems- my period was totally regular, I had tons of goo every month (sorry for TMI) to show I was ovulating etc.. I had absolutely no PCOS signs. He said this was very weird, but I also know a few other people who this happened to.. What about the rest of the PCOS'ers? Did you have problems before BCP?

Final Release

No, not sex unfortunately- that is still banned..

I am referring to my release-age from my RE center. As of this Friday, I am a regular OB- GYN patient.

I had my final RE ultrasound this morning. We saw the baby (now a nice 9.91 mm!); could not hear the heartbeat this time- only saw it (beating away at 140 BMP approx), which was disappointing but THRILLED it is there; and I am measuring one day ahead. Going by my last scan I am 7w0d, today I am measuring at 7w1d. Also, they gave me my official due date- December 15th 2008!

As far as symptoms go my nausea is kicking in with lots of gagging; peeing all the time; and tastebuds are a little off. It is all worth it though :)

Unexisting Complexities

These past few days have been nothing short of horrendous, for those of you who haven't figured that out already... there is little that leaves you feeling as helpless and weak as the sureity and knowledge in your own mind that everything is not ok, and failures are sure to happen.

I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.
However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!

So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.

But It Might Not Be!

Just got a call re: my beta.. It is now 4099. I cannot believe my beta can be climbing at such a rate and going nowhere... I said that to my nurse and she kindly responded 'well at this stage the ultrasound tell us more than beta'- thanks a LOT, lady! I know!
She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)
I will keep you all posted...