I got the call today at 3:00 p.m. announcing my cousin, who was married 8 freaking months after me, had the baby and she had a girl. Of course she did. The one thing I was hoping for (my saving grace) was that she would have a boy and at least this way I could be the first one to name after our mutual grandma. Seriously, this sucks. I wanted so bad to be pregnant before her (and her brother who got married 3 weeks after she did) and they are both expecting with one of them delivered before I am even pregnant. I don't even pretend to be happy anymore for people who give birth- sure, I send a gift, say congratulations and paste a smile on my face.. but the only time I really feel joy for people who give birth are those who struggled to get there. I guess I'm a bitch, but I can't change the way I feel.
Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.
At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.
The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Another and another and another...
And so, here I am 3 days after my 2nd IUI, 3 days post ovulation, 8 hours after my progesterone test (although why they opted to do it on CD 19 I have no idea). The one test I was not worried about and they came back to me with the high number of 6. Fabulous.
As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.
So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)
I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...
As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.
So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)
I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Questioners Question
Some time ago, DH banned me from using two little words, they are (in order):
1) What
2) If
But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is 'what if this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by 'what if I never get pregnant?'
The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.
I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?
And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?
1) What
2) If
But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is 'what if this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by 'what if I never get pregnant?'
The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.
I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?
And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Target: IUI
Well the day finally arrived... It was actually rather unexpected, which I am happy about because I cannot imagine having to obsess over waiting for the actual IUI day as well as obsessing over everything else!
In my doctors office, they follow a slightly different protocol- they do two IUI's, but trigger the morning of the first one, and do another one 24 hours later. They also advise our own BD'ing tomorrow night (needless to say, DH is FAR more excited for that!)
It was all painless and over fast- no ultrasounds, no blood work; just me, a nurse, the specimen (it was 'very nice' according to the doc), the doctor and a speculum.
As for my part, I had three follies; one at 20mm, one at 17mm and one at 15mm- these are measurements as of yesterday so i would expect them to all be slightly larger today.
In my doctors office, they follow a slightly different protocol- they do two IUI's, but trigger the morning of the first one, and do another one 24 hours later. They also advise our own BD'ing tomorrow night (needless to say, DH is FAR more excited for that!)
It was all painless and over fast- no ultrasounds, no blood work; just me, a nurse, the specimen (it was 'very nice' according to the doc), the doctor and a speculum.
As for my part, I had three follies; one at 20mm, one at 17mm and one at 15mm- these are measurements as of yesterday so i would expect them to all be slightly larger today.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Clomid Climate
Pre PCOS diagnosis, I did have other interests.. I would cook, I would bake, I would dance, I would smile more - in fact, DH might even say I was a happier person to be around altogether. My time is now so totally consumed with my doctor, my nurse, my 'research', my appointments etc that I find myself wondering what I will do when I do not have all these appointments and time drags facing me (I promised E and DH I would think positive so I am! Negative Nancy has left the building..). Just imagine.. I may actually be able to get a good nights sleep and do some work. For now, however, I am on Glucophage, Clomid and prenatal vitamins.
Nothing, nothing, compares to the intense heat you feel on a clomid cycle. I am of course referring to hot flashes- now I know many people have way more side effects, but there is nothing worse than sitting at your desk, surrounded by people and feeling boiling hot and starting to sweat... literally sweat.
I now know why my mom did not take the 'change of life' too well, and loses it anytime someone looks or says something wrong to here- hell, if I felt like I was in the Sahara for one minute and the Antarctica the next for any duration of my time longer than a week I would also think it was time to go gun and bullet shopping.
Nothing, nothing, compares to the intense heat you feel on a clomid cycle. I am of course referring to hot flashes- now I know many people have way more side effects, but there is nothing worse than sitting at your desk, surrounded by people and feeling boiling hot and starting to sweat... literally sweat.
I now know why my mom did not take the 'change of life' too well, and loses it anytime someone looks or says something wrong to here- hell, if I felt like I was in the Sahara for one minute and the Antarctica the next for any duration of my time longer than a week I would also think it was time to go gun and bullet shopping.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Willing to life swap?
CD 3 came in with a pop! A popped blood vessel, that is, from a not very gentle nurse.. This wonderful event was then followed by a very rough doctor doing a transvaginal ultrasound- it was so bad, in fact, I was squirming away and she had to tell me to come back down.
The B/W came back with the blessed news that my hormone levels are normal and, had it not been for my 'little bit too thick endometrial lining,' I would not now be $200 more out of pocket as of Thursday when I need to go back on CD 5 for another practice lesson on how to torture (I am not sure what is more torturous: 1) The procedure itself; 2) The fact it is done between 6-7:30 am or 3) The fact I need to go to work afterwards).
My best friend (Google) has proved to me that I can still worry about getting cancer as well as IF ( a relief I know!) because apparently having a too thick endometrial lining can indicate endometrial cancer. Lucky the doctor has reliably informed me (even though she only met me for the first time this morning) that my lining will definitely be thinner by then.
Anyway, enough about my lining.
I have new fish to fry. I am wondering how anyone out there can work full time and do all these treatments, and still have energy to smile.
Are you girls all drinking red bull? Taking illegal drugs? Having the kind of morning sex I only had on my honeymoon? Or is everyone as tired, fed up and close to being ready to throw in the towel (and I'm only just starting!) as I am.
The B/W came back with the blessed news that my hormone levels are normal and, had it not been for my 'little bit too thick endometrial lining,' I would not now be $200 more out of pocket as of Thursday when I need to go back on CD 5 for another practice lesson on how to torture (I am not sure what is more torturous: 1) The procedure itself; 2) The fact it is done between 6-7:30 am or 3) The fact I need to go to work afterwards).
My best friend (Google) has proved to me that I can still worry about getting cancer as well as IF ( a relief I know!) because apparently having a too thick endometrial lining can indicate endometrial cancer. Lucky the doctor has reliably informed me (even though she only met me for the first time this morning) that my lining will definitely be thinner by then.
Anyway, enough about my lining.
I have new fish to fry. I am wondering how anyone out there can work full time and do all these treatments, and still have energy to smile.
Are you girls all drinking red bull? Taking illegal drugs? Having the kind of morning sex I only had on my honeymoon? Or is everyone as tired, fed up and close to being ready to throw in the towel (and I'm only just starting!) as I am.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Vicious Cycles
Why is it, I pondered as I lay crying in bed last night for the 16th month in a row, that not only do I have to get my period.. but to add insult to injury it hurts in a physical and emotional way.
What cruel kind of system is it when we are heartbreakingly reminded of our non-pregnant status by a tearing uterine cramp?
My medicine free cycles are now over. I began taking Glucophage last night and whilst I was spared the GI upsets (so far!), the headaches/ hot flushes etc are not be believed. I am currently on Glucophage, prenatal vitamins, Clomid and will soon have a trigger shot.
I also have a co-worker who is due any day and does not stop yapping away about her damn baby. She knows my situation and still it is all we hear about- I cannot help thinking if the situations were reversed I would be far more sensitive.
What cruel kind of system is it when we are heartbreakingly reminded of our non-pregnant status by a tearing uterine cramp?
My medicine free cycles are now over. I began taking Glucophage last night and whilst I was spared the GI upsets (so far!), the headaches/ hot flushes etc are not be believed. I am currently on Glucophage, prenatal vitamins, Clomid and will soon have a trigger shot.
I also have a co-worker who is due any day and does not stop yapping away about her damn baby. She knows my situation and still it is all we hear about- I cannot help thinking if the situations were reversed I would be far more sensitive.
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