A story which is HUGE in my personal world right now comes to me courtesy of the UK; so bear with me if you haven't heard this one. The UK parliament yesterday had a vote to decide whether the abortion limit should be lowered rom 24 weeks to 20 weeks. Let me repeat: 24 weeks to 20 weeks. Wtf??? I am obviously coming from a more pro-life viewpoint (aside from being a modern- orthodox Jew, I am not sure anyone can through fertility issues and not be more to the pro-life fight), however, watching women standing outside for THEIR right to be allowed to abort their baby until 24 weeks was disgusting.
This isn't even about baby's right.. this is about 1) why someone who has made a conscious decision to have sex sans protection would not consider they MAY get pregnant, and 2) why it would take someone 24 weeks to decide they don't want a baby in their life.
I understand (semi) that people can't handle a baby right now, for their own reasons, and I understand some people don't care and will abort- but I feel so strongly that the limit should be 12 weeks. 3 months is definitely long enough for someone to decide, never mind the fact research shows babies born at 24 weeks can survive.
The UK has over 197,000 abortions a year. What country sets out to achieve this statistic? It may also interest you to know that the UK also has the highest number of (single) mothers under 16 in Europe. How embarrassing to a country which purportedly prides itself on propriety.
Furthermore, there is a huge girl gang/ yob culture (yobs are fortunately somewhat unknown in this country, and are mostly drunk soccer hooligan-type who are teenage boys between 10-25 for the most part who vandalize, attack innocent people for 'fun', behave anti- socially.. anyway you get the general impression) which i fully believe is due to all these young single mother/ broken family types.
Why can't people who obviously can't care for their kids put them up for adoption? Or if they must, indeed do an abortion but do it before 12 weeks? What kind of a society are we living in these days???
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
OB Experience
I went this morning for my OB appointment. Aside from needing to wait 45 mins due to a 'medical emergency' (these always seem to happen to me.. I must give off that vibe... last time at my RE I waited 45 mins naked from the waist down for my ultrasound), and the doctor having some very interesting pics on his wall- more about that later- everything seemed to be looking good.
DH came in with me to the examination room, and I think it was awkward for him because I don't think any guy wants to see his wife be touched up- the one saving grace however was that he had a humour moment when apparently after the Dr removed the speculum (I had a pap smear, yay me) something 'yellow and gooey fell out of the floor'... no prizes to anyone who guessed, but it was indeed the prometrium coating. Good stuff.
As I mentioned before, the Dr was more than a little quirky.. very nice, but totally quirky. He had all the regular dr certificates on his wall, but also a 'deep sea diver' certification, and many cartoon and drawn pictures of a dr either delivering a baby, explaining about sex or the view for the woman when her feet are in stirrups etc etc. Bizarre.
However, no appointment of mine is complete without a heart-stopping moment. Mine came when he did the ultrasound- he swung it round to show me how big the baby got, the heartbeat etc, but whe he printed off the picture it said 6w6d and showed me as being smaller than on Monday. I totally freaked out as we made our way back to the doctors office....
Once seated, he kept reassuring us everytting was ok, and finally I blurted out 'umm if everything is so good why am I measuring less than I was on Monday..' He looked at me kindly and explained his machine isn't as hi-tech as at my RE's office. Thanks for explaining that before, man.
Anyway, next appointment in three weeks, but I did leave the office with a question which I now want to pose to you all.
I explained that before I went on BCP (i was on loestrin) I never ever had problems- my period was totally regular, I had tons of goo every month (sorry for TMI) to show I was ovulating etc.. I had absolutely no PCOS signs. He said this was very weird, but I also know a few other people who this happened to.. What about the rest of the PCOS'ers? Did you have problems before BCP?
DH came in with me to the examination room, and I think it was awkward for him because I don't think any guy wants to see his wife be touched up- the one saving grace however was that he had a humour moment when apparently after the Dr removed the speculum (I had a pap smear, yay me) something 'yellow and gooey fell out of the floor'... no prizes to anyone who guessed, but it was indeed the prometrium coating. Good stuff.
As I mentioned before, the Dr was more than a little quirky.. very nice, but totally quirky. He had all the regular dr certificates on his wall, but also a 'deep sea diver' certification, and many cartoon and drawn pictures of a dr either delivering a baby, explaining about sex or the view for the woman when her feet are in stirrups etc etc. Bizarre.
However, no appointment of mine is complete without a heart-stopping moment. Mine came when he did the ultrasound- he swung it round to show me how big the baby got, the heartbeat etc, but whe he printed off the picture it said 6w6d and showed me as being smaller than on Monday. I totally freaked out as we made our way back to the doctors office....
Once seated, he kept reassuring us everytting was ok, and finally I blurted out 'umm if everything is so good why am I measuring less than I was on Monday..' He looked at me kindly and explained his machine isn't as hi-tech as at my RE's office. Thanks for explaining that before, man.
Anyway, next appointment in three weeks, but I did leave the office with a question which I now want to pose to you all.
I explained that before I went on BCP (i was on loestrin) I never ever had problems- my period was totally regular, I had tons of goo every month (sorry for TMI) to show I was ovulating etc.. I had absolutely no PCOS signs. He said this was very weird, but I also know a few other people who this happened to.. What about the rest of the PCOS'ers? Did you have problems before BCP?
Monday, April 28, 2008
Final Release
No, not sex unfortunately- that is still banned..
I am referring to my release-age from my RE center. As of this Friday, I am a regular OB- GYN patient.
I had my final RE ultrasound this morning. We saw the baby (now a nice 9.91 mm!); could not hear the heartbeat this time- only saw it (beating away at 140 BMP approx), which was disappointing but THRILLED it is there; and I am measuring one day ahead. Going by my last scan I am 7w0d, today I am measuring at 7w1d. Also, they gave me my official due date- December 15th 2008!
As far as symptoms go my nausea is kicking in with lots of gagging; peeing all the time; and tastebuds are a little off. It is all worth it though :)
I am referring to my release-age from my RE center. As of this Friday, I am a regular OB- GYN patient.
I had my final RE ultrasound this morning. We saw the baby (now a nice 9.91 mm!); could not hear the heartbeat this time- only saw it (beating away at 140 BMP approx), which was disappointing but THRILLED it is there; and I am measuring one day ahead. Going by my last scan I am 7w0d, today I am measuring at 7w1d. Also, they gave me my official due date- December 15th 2008!
As far as symptoms go my nausea is kicking in with lots of gagging; peeing all the time; and tastebuds are a little off. It is all worth it though :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Unexisting Complexities
These past few days have been nothing short of horrendous, for those of you who haven't figured that out already... there is little that leaves you feeling as helpless and weak as the sureity and knowledge in your own mind that everything is not ok, and failures are sure to happen.
I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.
However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!
So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.
I am pleased to report this morning, that I was totally, totally wrong. I spent the last few days torturing myself, crying on the bathroom floor, being a total bitch to DH and his family and totally shutting myself off.
However, this morning at my 3rd time's the charm ultrasound we were fortunate enough to see a gestational sac, yolk sac, AND a little fetus. I was gonna break down and cry but was advised if I did so I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. And hear it I did- all 134 bpm of it!
So, with huge thanks and praise to G-d, I am happy to report I am (still) very pregnant.
Friday, April 18, 2008
But It Might Not Be!
Just got a call re: my beta.. It is now 4099. I cannot believe my beta can be climbing at such a rate and going nowhere... I said that to my nurse and she kindly responded 'well at this stage the ultrasound tell us more than beta'- thanks a LOT, lady! I know!
She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)
I will keep you all posted...
She then also told me to keep making sure I do not do any exercise/ strenuous activities/ or have intercourse (??! didn't that old wives tale go out around the time women became sexually liberated??)
I will keep you all posted...
They Think It's All Over....
So, we went for our ultrasound to determine if a yolk sac would be seen in conjunction with our gestational sac. We have a gestational sac of 8.53 and no yolk sac to be seen. The Dr said this is a concern, and I really feel like the blood work doesn't matter anymore- everyone knows if there is no yolk sac, there is no way for the baby to survive.
We have to go back on Tuesday, but at this point (pardon the English expression) I feel like we are flogging a dead horse, and I have no idea how to get back on it.
I know there is a chance we may see a yolk sac on Tuesday, but at this point I'd say we are well and truly fucked- to make matters worse, we are due to be going to the in-laws for a family weekend and I don't think we can get out of it. Roll on SIL with her 3rd baby, and other SIL who's pregnant with her 6th. This is gonna be great.
I feel like right now I am just walking around with a dead baby and/or a mass of dead cells. This really sucks. As I mentioned before I always thought I'd be ok if I had a miscarriage- at least it means I can get pregnant, right?? Well, now I wonder if, in hindsight, I would really have had my hopes raised so high, to be dashed so low. I wonder if that first high is truly worth the low.
And, where to go from here. I don't want to give up, and yet how do I go through this all over again? Just thinking about needing to go in again for the aptly named 'morning monitoring' to get permission to take clomid makes my blood run cold.. just thinking about paying all those IF bills again makes me want to shoot myself. And yet, what choice do we have? How do I keep pushing myself through, saying it will all be ok, when I don't know that it ever will?
We have to go back on Tuesday, but at this point (pardon the English expression) I feel like we are flogging a dead horse, and I have no idea how to get back on it.
I know there is a chance we may see a yolk sac on Tuesday, but at this point I'd say we are well and truly fucked- to make matters worse, we are due to be going to the in-laws for a family weekend and I don't think we can get out of it. Roll on SIL with her 3rd baby, and other SIL who's pregnant with her 6th. This is gonna be great.
I feel like right now I am just walking around with a dead baby and/or a mass of dead cells. This really sucks. As I mentioned before I always thought I'd be ok if I had a miscarriage- at least it means I can get pregnant, right?? Well, now I wonder if, in hindsight, I would really have had my hopes raised so high, to be dashed so low. I wonder if that first high is truly worth the low.
And, where to go from here. I don't want to give up, and yet how do I go through this all over again? Just thinking about needing to go in again for the aptly named 'morning monitoring' to get permission to take clomid makes my blood run cold.. just thinking about paying all those IF bills again makes me want to shoot myself. And yet, what choice do we have? How do I keep pushing myself through, saying it will all be ok, when I don't know that it ever will?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Afternoon Update!
Beta was 2177!!!
She said if there is no yolk sac on Friday we have a concern, but DH and I are feeling very optimistic.....
She said if there is no yolk sac on Friday we have a concern, but DH and I are feeling very optimistic.....
Ultrasound Update
I am meant to be 5w3d today.. no real symptoms yet, but had the ultrasound this morning. They saw a 'probable gestational sac' measuring 6.53 mm- no yolk sac, but that's apparently normal in a sac measuring under 10 mm.
Am going to be spending the day doing what I do best:
1) Worrying/ Panicking
2) Waiting for a call back from the nurse with my beta numbers
Am going to be spending the day doing what I do best:
1) Worrying/ Panicking
2) Waiting for a call back from the nurse with my beta numbers
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Update!
I am shaking all over..... beta today was 117!!! More than doubled! They don't even want to see me again til the ultrasound next Wednesday!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Monday, April 7, 2008
A Perfect Cycle
3 follicles- check
40 million sperm- check
level 6 progesterone followed by a HUGE helping of prometrium- check
HPT 14 days after trigger- check
Beta- check
BFP on beta and hpt!!!!!!!
Side note: Beta is a little low at 45, but form what I've read, with IUI it is hard to determine exactly when you ovulate, so 45 on day 13 is pretty good, and for day 14 also not too bad! Praying for Wednesday beta to be good....
40 million sperm- check
level 6 progesterone followed by a HUGE helping of prometrium- check
HPT 14 days after trigger- check
Beta- check
BFP on beta and hpt!!!!!!!
Side note: Beta is a little low at 45, but form what I've read, with IUI it is hard to determine exactly when you ovulate, so 45 on day 13 is pretty good, and for day 14 also not too bad! Praying for Wednesday beta to be good....
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Feelings
It has occurred to me that many of the people in my life know absolutely nothing about fertility or lack there of. Mostly the people who opened their legs and got pregnant. They especially do not know anything about the feelings of an infertile, and in some cases would do well to learn.
A Summation:
My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?
Me: On Monday
Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors.
Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.
Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?
Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.
J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?
Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.
J: Well it was 8 days ago!
Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation
J: Well then you should be able to tell by now
My M.I.L
DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (that's me!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.
M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (I only wish I was making this up)
DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.
M.IL.: Why is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.
DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.
My F.I.L (side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)
F.I.L: (with 17 y.o SIL in the car): Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?
Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.
F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.
Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.
F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?
Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.
F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.
Me: Whatever
Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (I have to be) ok if this all doesn't go my way.
A Summation:
My mom: So, when do they let you know if this worked?
Me: On Monday
Mom: No, no darling, they can tell already.. you just do a urine test at the doctors.
Me: Yes, we are past those days, mom, now they do blood work to be more precise.
Mom: Well isn't urine more exact?
Me: Explaining how urine tests measure HCG which won't work for me cause of the trigger.. mom still doesn't get it.
J (my sister): Why does it take so long to find out?
Me: Well, you don't just 'get pregnant'.. there is time sperm and egg travel to meet, fertilization, implantation etc.
J: Well it was 8 days ago!
Me: Yes, and around now would be implantation
J: Well then you should be able to tell by now
My M.I.L
DH: Just to let you know, Marissa (that's me!) is not really handling all this too well. It is especially hard for her that M (the s.i.l) is pregnant with number 6. Please try and be more supportive/ sensitive.
M.I.L: You should be happy she's having another baby and you will have another niece or nephew. Maybe you and Marissa need to get thicker skins (I only wish I was making this up)
DH: See Mom, that just isn't supportive or helpful. This is what I'm talking about.
M.IL.: Why is it so hard? It will happen for you. Just wait it out.
DH: Right, forget I mentioned anything.
My F.I.L (side note: FIL and DH do not get along well at all. Not do FIL and I)
F.I.L: (with 17 y.o SIL in the car): Marissa, I am very concerned about your weight. What if you get so fat you don't realize you are pregnant and go to the bathroom and a baby drops out?
Me: I should be so lucky! Babies don't really happen like that.
F.I.L: Well, I read about a case like that in a magazine this week.
Me: That's why it's in a magazine- it's unusual.
F.I.L: Well, I am just saying.. what if that happens?
Me: I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening... don't worry.
F.I.L: Well, if you are going to be so negative about all this, lets drop the conversation.
Me: Whatever
Unfortunately I cannot claim any of the above was made up or written in jest. However, I am in much better spirits with only 5 days to go til a blood test, and I know I will be (I have to be) ok if this all doesn't go my way.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Facts About Me
Waiting tagged me, so see my quirky facts below.
Rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules.
Share six non-important habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag three other people.
1) I am from London, England and all my family (except DH) are there.
2) I am addicted to potato chips. I have been known to spend over $100 shipping in stuff from England because I don't think the chips here compare (sorry!)
3) I am the oldest and only married one of my siblings. My brother is 25 and 11 months younger than me, my sister is 24 and my youngest brother is 20.
4) DH does not know I keep a blog, nor do any of my friends (except E).
5) I trained as an occupational therapist, and I HATE it. I never worked as one, and now I work for a really low paying job in non-profit in Manhattan.
6) I am a recipe and cookbook-aholic. I love finding new recipes for old favourites. This drives DH crazy because if I make something he loves with one recipe, the next time I will use a new recipe for the same food, and it won't come out the same/ as good/ whatever....
Sorry I cannot tag anyone else as all the bloggers I read have done this like 10 times over by now!
Monday, March 31, 2008
A Working Breakdown
I got the call today at 3:00 p.m. announcing my cousin, who was married 8 freaking months after me, had the baby and she had a girl. Of course she did. The one thing I was hoping for (my saving grace) was that she would have a boy and at least this way I could be the first one to name after our mutual grandma. Seriously, this sucks. I wanted so bad to be pregnant before her (and her brother who got married 3 weeks after she did) and they are both expecting with one of them delivered before I am even pregnant. I don't even pretend to be happy anymore for people who give birth- sure, I send a gift, say congratulations and paste a smile on my face.. but the only time I really feel joy for people who give birth are those who struggled to get there. I guess I'm a bitch, but I can't change the way I feel.
Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.
At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.
The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.
Alongside this pleasant phone call, I am chatting online to DH's best friend in the world who has turned into a rock for both of us. He told me how his wife had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I waited for doom and gloom to set in on their behalf, but as well as not feeling happy for people, I have lost my ability to be sad for them as well. I mustered an "I'm so sorry to hear that" and should have dropped it there. Instead I went on to say that sometimes I wish I would have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks because at least then I would know I can get pregnant. As I was typing and thinking it, I knew what a f*ed up thing I was saying, and yet couldn't help myself... in some small way I do wish that. Obviously not after all the treatment and money I have spent now, but somewhere at the beginning.. just something to give me a little extra hope.
At that point I literally broke down- what kind of foolish, sick individual wishes a miscarriage on herself?? I sat at my desk with tears pouring down my face and just could not stop. I don't know how to cope anymore with not getting pregnant.. I don't feel like it will ever happen and I don't know how to go on from here.
The 2 week wait isn't even so killer because I have more or less convinced myself that it hasn't worked. Unhappy Monday, but lets hope for a better Tuesday.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Another and another and another...
And so, here I am 3 days after my 2nd IUI, 3 days post ovulation, 8 hours after my progesterone test (although why they opted to do it on CD 19 I have no idea). The one test I was not worried about and they came back to me with the high number of 6. Fabulous.
As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.
So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)
I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...
As my nurse explained, they like to see anything above 10, with 8 being the minimum. Perusing the old BFF I note lots of people are pregnant with number like 7, so I'm not too worried, but what it means for now is another pill- well, it was either another pill or enlisting DH's help to do the HCG trigger again. Yeuch- that wasn't going to happen.
So, for now I am again on Prometrium (I hate it, but maybe it will help!) and still taking good old Glucophage XR. Geez, this cycle better work and the baby better appreciate what a pill popper it's mommy was ;-)
I am keeping everything crossed for the big one on April 7th...
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Questioners Question
Some time ago, DH banned me from using two little words, they are (in order):
1) What
2) If
But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is 'what if this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by 'what if I never get pregnant?'
The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.
I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?
And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?
1) What
2) If
But, 'what if' have so many possibilities.. and I can utilize them to the best, negative purposes. My top favourite, for right now is 'what if this IUI hasn't worked', which of course, can only be followed by 'what if I never get pregnant?'
The IUI this morning was also fine. Not as good a sperm count as yesterday, but still definitely ok. Why then do I find it so hard to relax? Why do I constantly spend my time obsessing over what may or may not happen.. especially when I know that obsessing is the least helpful thing for me to do right now.
I never find myself pondering that which I don't dare to really think/hope to myself like 'what if I get pregnant or what if I get pregnant with twins', instead I choose, constantly, to focus on what can go wrong. Why is it so hard to remain positive and hopeful?
And then, on the months when I do get my hopes up do I crash harder than ever. How does one achieve this sense of balance which I seek (and so desperately need)?
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Target: IUI
Well the day finally arrived... It was actually rather unexpected, which I am happy about because I cannot imagine having to obsess over waiting for the actual IUI day as well as obsessing over everything else!
In my doctors office, they follow a slightly different protocol- they do two IUI's, but trigger the morning of the first one, and do another one 24 hours later. They also advise our own BD'ing tomorrow night (needless to say, DH is FAR more excited for that!)
It was all painless and over fast- no ultrasounds, no blood work; just me, a nurse, the specimen (it was 'very nice' according to the doc), the doctor and a speculum.
As for my part, I had three follies; one at 20mm, one at 17mm and one at 15mm- these are measurements as of yesterday so i would expect them to all be slightly larger today.
In my doctors office, they follow a slightly different protocol- they do two IUI's, but trigger the morning of the first one, and do another one 24 hours later. They also advise our own BD'ing tomorrow night (needless to say, DH is FAR more excited for that!)
It was all painless and over fast- no ultrasounds, no blood work; just me, a nurse, the specimen (it was 'very nice' according to the doc), the doctor and a speculum.
As for my part, I had three follies; one at 20mm, one at 17mm and one at 15mm- these are measurements as of yesterday so i would expect them to all be slightly larger today.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Clomid Climate
Pre PCOS diagnosis, I did have other interests.. I would cook, I would bake, I would dance, I would smile more - in fact, DH might even say I was a happier person to be around altogether. My time is now so totally consumed with my doctor, my nurse, my 'research', my appointments etc that I find myself wondering what I will do when I do not have all these appointments and time drags facing me (I promised E and DH I would think positive so I am! Negative Nancy has left the building..). Just imagine.. I may actually be able to get a good nights sleep and do some work. For now, however, I am on Glucophage, Clomid and prenatal vitamins.
Nothing, nothing, compares to the intense heat you feel on a clomid cycle. I am of course referring to hot flashes- now I know many people have way more side effects, but there is nothing worse than sitting at your desk, surrounded by people and feeling boiling hot and starting to sweat... literally sweat.
I now know why my mom did not take the 'change of life' too well, and loses it anytime someone looks or says something wrong to here- hell, if I felt like I was in the Sahara for one minute and the Antarctica the next for any duration of my time longer than a week I would also think it was time to go gun and bullet shopping.
Nothing, nothing, compares to the intense heat you feel on a clomid cycle. I am of course referring to hot flashes- now I know many people have way more side effects, but there is nothing worse than sitting at your desk, surrounded by people and feeling boiling hot and starting to sweat... literally sweat.
I now know why my mom did not take the 'change of life' too well, and loses it anytime someone looks or says something wrong to here- hell, if I felt like I was in the Sahara for one minute and the Antarctica the next for any duration of my time longer than a week I would also think it was time to go gun and bullet shopping.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Willing to life swap?
CD 3 came in with a pop! A popped blood vessel, that is, from a not very gentle nurse.. This wonderful event was then followed by a very rough doctor doing a transvaginal ultrasound- it was so bad, in fact, I was squirming away and she had to tell me to come back down.
The B/W came back with the blessed news that my hormone levels are normal and, had it not been for my 'little bit too thick endometrial lining,' I would not now be $200 more out of pocket as of Thursday when I need to go back on CD 5 for another practice lesson on how to torture (I am not sure what is more torturous: 1) The procedure itself; 2) The fact it is done between 6-7:30 am or 3) The fact I need to go to work afterwards).
My best friend (Google) has proved to me that I can still worry about getting cancer as well as IF ( a relief I know!) because apparently having a too thick endometrial lining can indicate endometrial cancer. Lucky the doctor has reliably informed me (even though she only met me for the first time this morning) that my lining will definitely be thinner by then.
Anyway, enough about my lining.
I have new fish to fry. I am wondering how anyone out there can work full time and do all these treatments, and still have energy to smile.
Are you girls all drinking red bull? Taking illegal drugs? Having the kind of morning sex I only had on my honeymoon? Or is everyone as tired, fed up and close to being ready to throw in the towel (and I'm only just starting!) as I am.
The B/W came back with the blessed news that my hormone levels are normal and, had it not been for my 'little bit too thick endometrial lining,' I would not now be $200 more out of pocket as of Thursday when I need to go back on CD 5 for another practice lesson on how to torture (I am not sure what is more torturous: 1) The procedure itself; 2) The fact it is done between 6-7:30 am or 3) The fact I need to go to work afterwards).
My best friend (Google) has proved to me that I can still worry about getting cancer as well as IF ( a relief I know!) because apparently having a too thick endometrial lining can indicate endometrial cancer. Lucky the doctor has reliably informed me (even though she only met me for the first time this morning) that my lining will definitely be thinner by then.
Anyway, enough about my lining.
I have new fish to fry. I am wondering how anyone out there can work full time and do all these treatments, and still have energy to smile.
Are you girls all drinking red bull? Taking illegal drugs? Having the kind of morning sex I only had on my honeymoon? Or is everyone as tired, fed up and close to being ready to throw in the towel (and I'm only just starting!) as I am.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Vicious Cycles
Why is it, I pondered as I lay crying in bed last night for the 16th month in a row, that not only do I have to get my period.. but to add insult to injury it hurts in a physical and emotional way.
What cruel kind of system is it when we are heartbreakingly reminded of our non-pregnant status by a tearing uterine cramp?
My medicine free cycles are now over. I began taking Glucophage last night and whilst I was spared the GI upsets (so far!), the headaches/ hot flushes etc are not be believed. I am currently on Glucophage, prenatal vitamins, Clomid and will soon have a trigger shot.
I also have a co-worker who is due any day and does not stop yapping away about her damn baby. She knows my situation and still it is all we hear about- I cannot help thinking if the situations were reversed I would be far more sensitive.
What cruel kind of system is it when we are heartbreakingly reminded of our non-pregnant status by a tearing uterine cramp?
My medicine free cycles are now over. I began taking Glucophage last night and whilst I was spared the GI upsets (so far!), the headaches/ hot flushes etc are not be believed. I am currently on Glucophage, prenatal vitamins, Clomid and will soon have a trigger shot.
I also have a co-worker who is due any day and does not stop yapping away about her damn baby. She knows my situation and still it is all we hear about- I cannot help thinking if the situations were reversed I would be far more sensitive.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Lessons in Inability
The candles are lit. The lights are dimmed. In the corner glowing softly are both my digital ovulation predictor and my non-digital (but also hugely expensive) stick, with a smiley face and two thick lines respectively on each.
This was it, my heart cried.. this will be the month I have waited for! HSG done and tubes clear, S/A done and normal and I am even ovulating on my own! Could the month get any better??
DH and I had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g very NON typical-BD'ing session in that it was great fun, and good and non pressured. My spirits rose even higher, and I was delighted with high hopes for the next night.
The next night came. I used all my talents and powers to coax DH into the mood.. he came to the bedroom (begrudgingly I might add) , and all hell broke lose. There was no nice romantic candles, no fun, and certainly no 'finishing' on either side. Instead there were tears, screaming and shouting.
How is it both DH and I are trapped by our own insecurities and inabilities? I am trapped and infuriated by my inability to get PG and control my ovaries..
DH is trapped by his inability and failure to finish. And vice versa.. I am infuriated when DH can't finish and I am sure DH is infuriated that he stuck with someone who can't even ovulate on her own each month.
How to get over these hurdles which seem so small and yet have the ability to set your emotions, hearts, pregnancy possibilities and relationships back by months?
How does one manage in their failure to be able to help themselves cope, never mind helping their partner to cope?
When will my happy, carefree self with a twinkle in her eye return.. when the days aren't judged on what cycle day I am on, but what fun activities I have planned for the week?
This was it, my heart cried.. this will be the month I have waited for! HSG done and tubes clear, S/A done and normal and I am even ovulating on my own! Could the month get any better??
DH and I had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g very NON typical-BD'ing session in that it was great fun, and good and non pressured. My spirits rose even higher, and I was delighted with high hopes for the next night.
The next night came. I used all my talents and powers to coax DH into the mood.. he came to the bedroom (begrudgingly I might add) , and all hell broke lose. There was no nice romantic candles, no fun, and certainly no 'finishing' on either side. Instead there were tears, screaming and shouting.
How is it both DH and I are trapped by our own insecurities and inabilities? I am trapped and infuriated by my inability to get PG and control my ovaries..
DH is trapped by his inability and failure to finish. And vice versa.. I am infuriated when DH can't finish and I am sure DH is infuriated that he stuck with someone who can't even ovulate on her own each month.
How to get over these hurdles which seem so small and yet have the ability to set your emotions, hearts, pregnancy possibilities and relationships back by months?
How does one manage in their failure to be able to help themselves cope, never mind helping their partner to cope?
When will my happy, carefree self with a twinkle in her eye return.. when the days aren't judged on what cycle day I am on, but what fun activities I have planned for the week?
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Approach
I feel like in front of me are just huge mountains, and I am relieved to say we keep climbing these mountains in big jumps. I guess that the only positive way to look at IF. Only look at the mountain in front and hope and pray you can climb it.
I found out this week that my DH s/a came back good, and that my CD 3 bloodwork levels are good. The next mountain (and scariest for me) is the HSG.
Our RE is waiting to get results from my fasting glucose test before he decides if I should be on Metformin, but it seems we will be doing an IUI/ clomid in March/ April.
I found out this week that my DH s/a came back good, and that my CD 3 bloodwork levels are good. The next mountain (and scariest for me) is the HSG.
Our RE is waiting to get results from my fasting glucose test before he decides if I should be on Metformin, but it seems we will be doing an IUI/ clomid in March/ April.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Family Facts
My S.I.L is pregnant. Again. With her 6th. In fact, I know a realm of people in my city; in other cities spanning both sides of the country; in around 4 continents (Not including Africa or South America cause I don't know ANYONE there!) all pregnant. I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does.
What is it about knowing other people are pregnant that affects my ability to think of everything else? What makes me go into crying fits upon discovering someone else is pregnant whilst I am still struggling to get CD 3 b/w done? As my very closest man friend (thanks E!) is fond of saying 'If someone else very close to you won the lottery wouldn't you be happy for them? Would you still be asking why it wasn't you?'
I think though, that E is missing the point. Not everyone in their lifetime will win the lottery or even any small sum of money. Most people, though, do have kids so it hurts real bad when you don't.
In updated doctors news, this lucky lucky girl will soon be doing an HSG. I am petrified- I have heard so many horror stories that if anyone has a positive one to share, I would be thrilled to hear it.
What is it about knowing other people are pregnant that affects my ability to think of everything else? What makes me go into crying fits upon discovering someone else is pregnant whilst I am still struggling to get CD 3 b/w done? As my very closest man friend (thanks E!) is fond of saying 'If someone else very close to you won the lottery wouldn't you be happy for them? Would you still be asking why it wasn't you?'
I think though, that E is missing the point. Not everyone in their lifetime will win the lottery or even any small sum of money. Most people, though, do have kids so it hurts real bad when you don't.
In updated doctors news, this lucky lucky girl will soon be doing an HSG. I am petrified- I have heard so many horror stories that if anyone has a positive one to share, I would be thrilled to hear it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Useful Non-responses
Well, I think we have now completed the rounds of telling everyone in both mine and DH's family.
We have had an array of responses from 'maybe losing weight will help'(.. a personal favorite); 'well miracles happen.. just pray' (DH's favourite); 'just relax.. these things happen when you least expect them (umm..HELLO. We have a medical condition.. does cancer just go away in the same fashion??) and finally the winner 'I have a friend who has a friend, who has a sister, who has a cousin who has a boyfriend, who has a dog who has a mother... Anyway, they spent all their life savings, they didn't have any money to pay their bills or their rent/ mortgage but they pushed on because they believed they would get PG and guess what??? After their 5th IVF they got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl.'
Now, I am all for the positive stories. Hell, if you know people who got PG their first IUI with a DX of PCOS, please go ahead and share.
However, how on earth do people (and these people are typically the ones who didn't struggle at all to get pregnant) think that telling me about so-and-so spending all their money, and failing a few times first, makes me feel good and hopeful?
I mean, I would never tell someone who lost their job 'Oh, don't worry. My friend xxx lost their job and they had no money for next three years, lost their house and got divorced: But then, right when they thought it was all over and were about to slit their wrists they got a phone call offering them this amazing job. And right after they took the job, they won 3.5 trillion on the lottery.'
It seems to me that people have lost their ability to be sensitive... The amount of times DH's sisters have told me that their parents/ grandma/ other relatives only come to see them to see their kids is unbelievable. What if we don't have kids I ask myself. Am I destined to be defined forever by the kids I do or do not have?
We have had an array of responses from 'maybe losing weight will help'(.. a personal favorite); 'well miracles happen.. just pray' (DH's favourite); 'just relax.. these things happen when you least expect them (umm..HELLO. We have a medical condition.. does cancer just go away in the same fashion??) and finally the winner 'I have a friend who has a friend, who has a sister, who has a cousin who has a boyfriend, who has a dog who has a mother... Anyway, they spent all their life savings, they didn't have any money to pay their bills or their rent/ mortgage but they pushed on because they believed they would get PG and guess what??? After their 5th IVF they got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl.'
Now, I am all for the positive stories. Hell, if you know people who got PG their first IUI with a DX of PCOS, please go ahead and share.
However, how on earth do people (and these people are typically the ones who didn't struggle at all to get pregnant) think that telling me about so-and-so spending all their money, and failing a few times first, makes me feel good and hopeful?
I mean, I would never tell someone who lost their job 'Oh, don't worry. My friend xxx lost their job and they had no money for next three years, lost their house and got divorced: But then, right when they thought it was all over and were about to slit their wrists they got a phone call offering them this amazing job. And right after they took the job, they won 3.5 trillion on the lottery.'
It seems to me that people have lost their ability to be sensitive... The amount of times DH's sisters have told me that their parents/ grandma/ other relatives only come to see them to see their kids is unbelievable. What if we don't have kids I ask myself. Am I destined to be defined forever by the kids I do or do not have?
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tax deductible... what?!
The past few days have been indecisive ones; A few days of work, a semi-brutal diagnosis and insurance conundrums.
DH and I have decided that for next few months, I will be referred to as HGP (human guinea pig).
Indeed, dear readers, I have gone against my better judgment and decided to swallow a very bitter pill ( although admittedly this is mostly due to us only having a one bedroom so not being able to pass a homestudy, the new adoptions rules in China/ Colombia/ any foreign country of your choice) named Clomid. Yup- I will be an energizer bunny trying to balance my work, home and infertility life! Luckily though, according to my insurance having children is a lifestyle choice (thereby meaning it is my lifestyle choice to go through mad expensive infertility treatments) so I will become adept at being a work/ home/ infertility cycling life-guru.
Ahhhhh. Insurance. Where does one begin. My husbands company self insures. Mine doesn't insure at all, and doesn't even offer buying into a policy- maybe because we are only three people in the office.
The wonderful ways of self insuring work as follows:
1) Company picks and chooses what it will/ wont pay for
2) Muggins (us the employees) pay 'premiums' from their pre-tax paycheck.
3) Any treatment that we don't need to have (i.e. if we don't get sick) or don't claim from the company using our insurance premium goes straight into the companies pockets! Great system- we pay our company to insure us, and they make money from us.
4) And this is the big one- they escape being governed by state mandated law, thereby effectively killing any infertiles chance's of being covered even if they are working and living in a state such as MA or NJ which is fully mandated with IVF coverage.
The best part of all is that you cannot even buy into a premium. IF is considered a pre-existing condition in NJ and I would not be covered under any new insurance policy I choose to buy for 12 months.
Our only hope is to a) find people who will sponsor a cycle; b) win the lottery; c) use up all our (meager) savings.
I have been asked if sponsoring me would be tax-deductible.
I am not tax deductible. I am not glamorous. I will not be able to pay you back. The best I can say? I am a girl with her man who simply want to get pregnant and have a child. Or maybe children.
DH and I have decided that for next few months, I will be referred to as HGP (human guinea pig).
Indeed, dear readers, I have gone against my better judgment and decided to swallow a very bitter pill ( although admittedly this is mostly due to us only having a one bedroom so not being able to pass a homestudy, the new adoptions rules in China/ Colombia/ any foreign country of your choice) named Clomid. Yup- I will be an energizer bunny trying to balance my work, home and infertility life! Luckily though, according to my insurance having children is a lifestyle choice (thereby meaning it is my lifestyle choice to go through mad expensive infertility treatments) so I will become adept at being a work/ home/ infertility cycling life-guru.
Ahhhhh. Insurance. Where does one begin. My husbands company self insures. Mine doesn't insure at all, and doesn't even offer buying into a policy- maybe because we are only three people in the office.
The wonderful ways of self insuring work as follows:
1) Company picks and chooses what it will/ wont pay for
2) Muggins (us the employees) pay 'premiums' from their pre-tax paycheck.
3) Any treatment that we don't need to have (i.e. if we don't get sick) or don't claim from the company using our insurance premium goes straight into the companies pockets! Great system- we pay our company to insure us, and they make money from us.
4) And this is the big one- they escape being governed by state mandated law, thereby effectively killing any infertiles chance's of being covered even if they are working and living in a state such as MA or NJ which is fully mandated with IVF coverage.
The best part of all is that you cannot even buy into a premium. IF is considered a pre-existing condition in NJ and I would not be covered under any new insurance policy I choose to buy for 12 months.
Our only hope is to a) find people who will sponsor a cycle; b) win the lottery; c) use up all our (meager) savings.
I have been asked if sponsoring me would be tax-deductible.
I am not tax deductible. I am not glamorous. I will not be able to pay you back. The best I can say? I am a girl with her man who simply want to get pregnant and have a child. Or maybe children.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
'People' in MY world
I have heard it said many times (although thankfully not to me) that when 'god is displeased with a union between man and his wife, he shows his displeasure by not creating and giving children to that union.'
Now, I have never believed that and nor will I, however, if I ever needed to disprove this statement I need look no further than last weeks People magazine.
People last week posted their biggest ever spread of teenagers who are pregnant. Not famous teenagers (AKA Jamie Lynn Spears) but regular, every day kids who do not have Britney to rely on for financial support.
Of the 6 or so kids picture (ranging from 13-17) I think one is still with the baby's father, and one gave the kid up for adoption. I am ok with being pro- choice for 20+ year olds, but who really thinks we are doing these kids a favor by 'permitting' them to keep their babies when they are still babies themselves and will need to support themselves and their babies for the rest of their lives?
I know this is not going to be a popular post, or one that everyone will agree with. I think however, that sub-fertiles have a hard enough time being confronted with peers being pregnant.. why is it necessary to be confronted now with people at least ten years younger than the majority of us.. especially people who are generally totally unequipped to be parental units.
There is a fine line that can be drawn between what one can and can't say to me. For example, I wouldn't want to think that my family to have to monitor what they do and don't tell me because they know my situation; however, I do not think I need to be confronted with my failure to reproduce in a national magazine with people who are (IMHO) far less able to be good parents than I am.
Now, I have never believed that and nor will I, however, if I ever needed to disprove this statement I need look no further than last weeks People magazine.
People last week posted their biggest ever spread of teenagers who are pregnant. Not famous teenagers (AKA Jamie Lynn Spears) but regular, every day kids who do not have Britney to rely on for financial support.
Of the 6 or so kids picture (ranging from 13-17) I think one is still with the baby's father, and one gave the kid up for adoption. I am ok with being pro- choice for 20+ year olds, but who really thinks we are doing these kids a favor by 'permitting' them to keep their babies when they are still babies themselves and will need to support themselves and their babies for the rest of their lives?
I know this is not going to be a popular post, or one that everyone will agree with. I think however, that sub-fertiles have a hard enough time being confronted with peers being pregnant.. why is it necessary to be confronted now with people at least ten years younger than the majority of us.. especially people who are generally totally unequipped to be parental units.
There is a fine line that can be drawn between what one can and can't say to me. For example, I wouldn't want to think that my family to have to monitor what they do and don't tell me because they know my situation; however, I do not think I need to be confronted with my failure to reproduce in a national magazine with people who are (IMHO) far less able to be good parents than I am.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Selfish is as selfish does
I have come to the conclusion that I am selfish.
Not in the traditional way, because I am always the first to lend an ear/ hand or whatever I can do to help.
No, I am a new kind of selfish.
DH (dear hubby for the uninformed) and I were discussing what our feelings were in the lead up to our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appointment next Monday.. He is very much of the opinion that we should do whatever it takes to try and conceive our own child- be it drugs, IUI or IVF.
I am of the opinion that I do not want to give my body over to science quite so soon- I do not want to be a guinea pig. I have one body which I do not want to share with experimental procedures that make no guarantees. Especially experimental procedures which will cost us an awful lot of money, aside from anything else.
I think I would rather go the Angelina/ Brad route and adopt.
I think at this point having one guarantee is something that sounds highly, highly attractive.
Not in the traditional way, because I am always the first to lend an ear/ hand or whatever I can do to help.
No, I am a new kind of selfish.
DH (dear hubby for the uninformed) and I were discussing what our feelings were in the lead up to our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appointment next Monday.. He is very much of the opinion that we should do whatever it takes to try and conceive our own child- be it drugs, IUI or IVF.
I am of the opinion that I do not want to give my body over to science quite so soon- I do not want to be a guinea pig. I have one body which I do not want to share with experimental procedures that make no guarantees. Especially experimental procedures which will cost us an awful lot of money, aside from anything else.
I think I would rather go the Angelina/ Brad route and adopt.
I think at this point having one guarantee is something that sounds highly, highly attractive.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Cycle Circles
" I never thought I'd have a house, a great job and no boyfriend or husband at 27," my friend told me yesterday. It was a sentiment I was readily able to sympathize with. I never thought I would go through Jan, Feb, March - actually all of 2007 and not have one positive (forgive the pun) sign to show for it.
All those months of taking my temperature first thing in the morning, all the money wasted on HPT's or ovulation tests, all my cheap ebay testing stick, fertility friend.. all for nothing.
Actually- not all for nothing. I have learnt how to be strong. I have learnt to brace myself. In the same way that one braces themselves in high school for the names, the looks, the whispering (in my case it was fat/ chubby/ chunky or any term of the day to describe an overweight being); nothing can compare to the strength it takes to speak to the friend you haven't heard from in a while, and faking a smile as they happily announce they are expecting number 2 or number 3. Even worse is the friend/ relative/ co-worker who got married 6 months after you, who are expecting in 6-8 months time.
How does one manage to go on when their 'failure' is all around them? You cannot compare not being pregnant to not winning the lottery- not everyone in their lifetime will win a lottery. However, 5 in 6 couples will have no problems conceiving, so what of the remaining one couple? It hurts to look at baby clothes, it hurts to hear of pregnancy.. and yet I find I have a morbid curiosity to being the first one to know who is or isn't pregnant. Maybe because I need longer to adjust to it? Maybe because I feel it won't hurt as much if I find out and accept they will soon have big baby tummies? Who knows.
The months begin and end around menstrual cycles. Everything is based on those few short 'fertile' days of the cycle. You plan when you can and can't go away. You plan who you can and can't have over to stay during those days. If you asked me for a date on any given day during the month, I most likely couldn't tell you. Ask me my cycle day however, and I will have a definitive answer for you.
I am not sure which is worse. Those months when you really feel you have a chance because you know you timed everything right, and have a bigger potential disappointment pay-off at the end? Or the months when you just weren't in the mood and barely BD'ed (baby danced for the uninformed) so there is practically zero chance.
For me, I think the worst is the look on my husbands face when I get my period. I slink away into the bathroom, and come out with a sad, resigned look on my face.. I don't even need to speak. For one with a usual poker face, you would think I'd be able to hide my feelings better after all this time.
He leans over and strokes me gently, and promises me everything will be ok, and that he is strong for the both of us. He isnt so strong though- I see the sadness all over his face, the look when he holds his siblings children. The way we imperceptibly glance at each other when someone asks if 'we have any kids yet'.
I also notice the excuses we have both adopted for answers to nosy questions. The "well we have only been married for xxx amount of time,"/ "we don't feel ready," or another ambiguous statement. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops the reasons why I don't have children, the reasons why I may never have children. Other times I use the only true, legal stress relieving method I know and resort to tears. Crying fits really, the kind that last for hours. The kind that only stop at 01:30 because you realize you have to be up for work in 5 hours.
So, I save my crying for another trigger time and place and give a sigh.
All those months of taking my temperature first thing in the morning, all the money wasted on HPT's or ovulation tests, all my cheap ebay testing stick, fertility friend.. all for nothing.
Actually- not all for nothing. I have learnt how to be strong. I have learnt to brace myself. In the same way that one braces themselves in high school for the names, the looks, the whispering (in my case it was fat/ chubby/ chunky or any term of the day to describe an overweight being); nothing can compare to the strength it takes to speak to the friend you haven't heard from in a while, and faking a smile as they happily announce they are expecting number 2 or number 3. Even worse is the friend/ relative/ co-worker who got married 6 months after you, who are expecting in 6-8 months time.
How does one manage to go on when their 'failure' is all around them? You cannot compare not being pregnant to not winning the lottery- not everyone in their lifetime will win a lottery. However, 5 in 6 couples will have no problems conceiving, so what of the remaining one couple? It hurts to look at baby clothes, it hurts to hear of pregnancy.. and yet I find I have a morbid curiosity to being the first one to know who is or isn't pregnant. Maybe because I need longer to adjust to it? Maybe because I feel it won't hurt as much if I find out and accept they will soon have big baby tummies? Who knows.
The months begin and end around menstrual cycles. Everything is based on those few short 'fertile' days of the cycle. You plan when you can and can't go away. You plan who you can and can't have over to stay during those days. If you asked me for a date on any given day during the month, I most likely couldn't tell you. Ask me my cycle day however, and I will have a definitive answer for you.
I am not sure which is worse. Those months when you really feel you have a chance because you know you timed everything right, and have a bigger potential disappointment pay-off at the end? Or the months when you just weren't in the mood and barely BD'ed (baby danced for the uninformed) so there is practically zero chance.
For me, I think the worst is the look on my husbands face when I get my period. I slink away into the bathroom, and come out with a sad, resigned look on my face.. I don't even need to speak. For one with a usual poker face, you would think I'd be able to hide my feelings better after all this time.
He leans over and strokes me gently, and promises me everything will be ok, and that he is strong for the both of us. He isnt so strong though- I see the sadness all over his face, the look when he holds his siblings children. The way we imperceptibly glance at each other when someone asks if 'we have any kids yet'.
I also notice the excuses we have both adopted for answers to nosy questions. The "well we have only been married for xxx amount of time,"/ "we don't feel ready," or another ambiguous statement. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops the reasons why I don't have children, the reasons why I may never have children. Other times I use the only true, legal stress relieving method I know and resort to tears. Crying fits really, the kind that last for hours. The kind that only stop at 01:30 because you realize you have to be up for work in 5 hours.
So, I save my crying for another trigger time and place and give a sigh.
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